Krisjan Lemmer
The former head of the police forensic laboratory, General Lothar Neethling – whose dubious achievements include shutting down Max du Preez’s glorious rag, Vrye Weekblad, by suing them for libel over the suggestion he was a poisoner – was among those whom the Truth and Reconciliation Commission wanted to question this week about foul and untruthful suggestions that he was a poisoner.
But the general, who is reportedly suffering a terminal illness, insisted he was only going down to Cape Town to face the commission if they bought him a business class ticket. The commission protested that this would set a precedent, costing them a fortune which they could not afford.
While this squabble was going on, our hero, Du Preez, stepped forward with an offer to personally make up the R300 difference in the price of the tickets. His colleagues looked at him askance: why was Du Preez, of all people, intent on ensuring the comfort of Neethling, of all people?
Du Preez blushed and explained that it had long been his ambition to shake the general by the hand and ask him how he was. The general would then say: ”Not too well, as it happens.” Upon which, said Du Preez, he would wag his finger at Neethling and cry out: ”You see, general, God slaap nie [God does not sleep]!”
Well worth R300!
The chemical warfare hearings offered plenty of ammunition for the anti-vivisection lobby, with descriptions of ”restraint chairs” – designed to strap a baboon down while it was experimented upon – and see-through gas chambers they were designed to fit.
Schalk van Rensburg, a senior scientist at Roodeplaat, told the commission that the United States had discovered Colonel Moammar Gadaffi’s chemical warfare laboratory when satellite cameras had spotted dogs being carried in wheelbarrows to the incinerator.
”So when ours went to the incinerator they were always packed in black plastic bags.”
The baboons suffered particular humiliation by way of their contributions to the human fertility programme – attempts to find a vaccine which would counter pregnancy.
The project, headed by a woman doctor, involved among other things the ”extraction” of sperm from the baboons. This was done with the help of an ”electronic stimulator”.
Flagging sexual prowess among humans was seemingly treated more discreetly by Roodeplaat. Among the substances listed as having been produced at the chemical warfare laboratory was katharidien, the active ingredient in the aphrodisiac known as Spanish Fly. The chair of the hearings, Dumisa Ntsebeza, inquired thoughtfully whether they had tried Viagra.
The Arts and Culture Trust of the President – patron Nelson Mandela – had an awards evening at a disco in the Cape Town Waterfront on Monday. Music was provided by the Pollsmoor prison choir which enthusiastically sang: ”We are against crime!” And none of them were missing their fingernails!
The first anniversary of the death of Princess Di has been marked, predictably, by conduct unbecoming … Mohamed al-Fayed has been energetically punting his claim that his son and Diana were the victims of a murder conspiracy. He, in turn, has been accused of masterminding the affair between the young couple in an attempt to gain admission to the upper slopes of English society.
Feuding, meanwhile, seemed to be keeping the princess’s two families apart, the Spencers mourning her at Althorp, the royal family at Balmoral. Earl Charles Spencer has apparently abandoned the Cape which will no doubt break the hearts of a few bored housewives, not to mention estate agents, but will leave the rest of South Africa unmoved.
Certainly the consensus at the Dorsbult Bar is that he was little more than a philandering windbag whose emergence in the pulpit at Westminster Abbey as moral representative for the British nation said more about the power of television than his own sense of values.
Evidence in support of that contention is offered by a new biography of the earl (Earl Spencer: Saint or Sinner by Richard Barber) which records such gems as his quip about his wife, Veronica – who was suffering from anorexia – on the occasion of his 30th birthday.
Observing that wives are expected to stick by their husbands through thick and thin, he said that his wife was self-evidently thick and thin.
The earl, of course, likes to present himself as the scourge of the paparazzi and champion of privacy laws. Which gives particular piquancy to a letter quoted in the biography from the earl’s wife to the Marquesa de Varela, the proprietor of Hello! magazine: ”I’ve discussed everything with Charles,” she said. ”He is in the middle of fighting the British government in Strasbourg for a privacy law in Britain – he is fighting it in my name.
”Therefore we simply cannot even contemplate or consider doing an interview for less than 250 000 to me. To do this would completely destroy my case in fighting for a privacy law in Britain which is why the fee must be so substantial. Otherwise it is just not worth my while.”
The Pretoria Magistrate’s Court is holding an inquest into the death of a prisoner who was put in a single cell after it was discovered he was HIV positive. While in the cell he had an epileptic fit, fell and banged his head, dying of the injury five hours later without receiving outside attention. The hearing has been set down for 10 days, but the magistrate has informed the prisoner’s lawyer that he does not wish to sit next Friday, because it will be his birthday.
Come Friday and you’ll be in all our thoughts, Your Worship!
In the wake of the announcement by the Mozambique authorities that Robert McBride could be held for a year, or longer, while they made up their minds what he has done wrong, a group of irate women arrived at the prison where he was being held to demand their money back.
It transpired that they were the wives and girlfriends of four local members of the security forces who had been arrested with McBride. They were feeling aggrieved because the authorities had accepted a R5 000 bribe, but had omitted to release their menfolk.
Do we really want a Maputo corridor?