Matthew Krouse Down the tube
Who believes that Isabel Jones – television’s supreme protector of consumers’ rights – agreed to demonstrate Verimark’s kitchen twister as part of her near-religious plight to offer society a better deal?
Like all mortals, it seems that Jones also has her price. For that she can be forgiven; but the perpetrators of SABC3’s rather enduring infomercial scheme – shown every night after midnight – should not be.
When will they figure a way of improving the quality of late-night entertainment, while still raking in a quick buck? Heaven help the country’s insomniacs! Particularly the overweight ones, too broke to afford those vastly overpriced home-exercise inventions, touted by every anorexic prom queen in the United States.
The infomercials dumped on sleepless viewers are as tacky as soft porn flicks – just minus the sex. A good, steamy nocturnal session would be infinitely more honest, and probably more profitable.
People in the unenviable position of having to stay awake all night, watching television, will no doubt have been relieved at the broadening of options this year. Particularly the younger ones, who can enjoy the hours of music videos shown every night after midnight on Channel O, the DStv programme that gets fed to the SABC at certain times of the day (see listings).
Some weeks ago, returning from my Saturday- night revelry at an ungodly hour, I was amazed to find a charming black announcer on that programme, called Christopher Bongo, speaking French! There followed a string of popular francophone hits – no doubt a vital lifeline for foreign Africans who, as we know, suffer from cultural deprivation.
On inquiry it was discovered that a new edition to their host of DJs, Mimi Kalinda, crosses over between French and Portuguese. This is an obvious necessity for the channel that describes itself as “the first African channel”, broadcasting to no fewer than nine African countries, including Uganda, Ghana and Benin.
In direct competition, e.tv also shows a night of music videos from about 1am, but without the chatty continuity announcers that give those lonely late-night sessions a human touch. Starting at about 11pm, e.tv shows feature films. These range from classics like David Mamet’s Glengarry Glen Ross, on February 20, to absolute rubbish like Future Fear, on Februay 19, that was a tinfoil sci-fi drama, unredeemed by its open display of bad sex.
e.tv is currently running a commercial calling for local content, to bolster their deadzone time. You may have seen it, in black and white, in which a bank robber croons into a security camera. The commercial is totally void of explanation, so, for those undiscovered talents who don’t get it, call the number on the screen, if you’ve made a masterpiece you’d like to see shown.
Otherwise, on SABC2 there’s BBC World from midnight and, much later on SABC2, CNN International – both of which will give you so much to be depressed about that, if you’re in the throes of insomnia, you’ll probably cry yourself to death.
As the night rolls on, M-Net shows movies, some as dubious as the 1995 Drunks, some as great as Carrington, with Emma Thompson.
As the sun begins to rise, at 5am it’s time for M-Net’s SuperSport. After that, even this channel proves that it’s not immune to money-raking, with infomercials the morning through.
At 8am, just after CNN International, SABC3 churns up two hours of infomercial repeats, just in time to catch those housewife shopping addicts. So, if you really like cooking and Isabel Jones, you may want to stay glued to the box – and you can see her selling herself all over again.