Barbara Ellen Body Language More and more over the past 12 months, IOve found myself bearing witness to lesbian comings out. Or should I say, listening to drunk women tell me theyOre Oso sickO of guys, theyOre Oseriously consideringO becoming lesbians. OWhy not? Why not, I ask you?O the latest one cried the other evening. I pointed out that, for one thing, she was straighter than Grandma Walton. My friend sloshed some wine into her glass and glared at me as if to say: OWhatOs that got to do with it?O This woman is an attractive, intelligent professional in her late thirties. I would wager that, as recently as a couple of years ago, she would no sooner have contemplated a switch to lesbianism than she would have proposed invading Poland. However, there she sat, considering Sapphism: The Lifestyle Option as casually as if she were leafing through a holiday brochure. Sipping her wine, she mused: OSeriously, what have I got to lose?O Not for the first time, I couldnOt help wondering whether she was asking a question or trying to talk herself into it. Opportunistic lesbianism seems to be on the female brain these days. Crazed by bad relationships, the decision seems to have been taken that men are Othe problemO so it stands to reason that women must be Othe answerO. Just as desperate characters throughout history have come to the end of their rope, so does millennial British womankind seem to be coming to the end of its heterosexuality. We even had our first lesbian sitcom, Rhonda, start last week, though the writer/star Rhonda Cameron was keen to point out that it is more Oa sitcom featuring a lesbianO. The self-styled quasi-bi aspirant probably wouldnOt notice the difference. To her, lesbianity seems to be less about sexuality than it is about quality control. As in: OWhy keep letting creepy men into my life when I could be with fabulous women?O The rather idealised assumption being that, while straight relationships are a trip to hell and back with dinner thrown in, the lesbian liaison is a stress-free breeze. Absolute rubbish, of course. I know lesbians whoOve been horribly hurt by their partners, but straight women donOt want to hear that. In fact, they donOt seem to want to hear much about the realities of lesbianism. With the opportunistic lesbian it doesnOt seem to be so much about desiring women per se as it is to do with turning away from men. Where sexual orientation is concerned, women seem to have become the floating-voter gender. After all, straight men with broken hearts donOt tend to sensationally announce their imminent gayness. In the past, they would join the Foreign Legion; now, if anything, they become even more aggressively heterosexual. ItOs women who blithely consider swapping teams. OThere is an Ellen Degeneres out there for us all,O the unspoken mantra seems to run. The Degeneres effect is significant. For all her high-profile lesbianity, Degeneres manages to come across as the non- threatening sort. If she spent all her time luridly groping Anne HecheOs breasts in public, her lesbianity might not be deemed quite so Oheart-warmingO. The bottom line is that lesbians are all right, so long as they donOt actually have sex. The obvious exception being in porn, where OlesbiansO soaping each other in bathtubs is viewed by most men as being a welcome step forward towards a more civilised and tolerant society (or something). But back in the real world, those straight women who fancy bolting into the dyke enclave generally seem slow to realise that actual fornication is involved. ItOs as if these aspirant bisexuals view lesbianism as a platonic, pastel-hued Disney ride, where all they have to do to qualify is hold hands, be OempatheticO and snarl about men. It reminds you of those Soviet ballerinas from the 1970s who defected to the West, not because they loved it, but because they were sick to death of privation behind the Iron Curtain. Bearing this in mind, the obvious losers are proper lesbians. Straight women seem to take it for granted that theyOd be welcomed with open arms, but does the lesbian community really need an influx of disaffected heterosexuals whoOve run screaming from sex and spend the whole time whingeing about ex-boyfriends? To me thatOs as odd as a gay guy propositioning a woman with the line: OHampstead HeathOs not the same any more how about it?O Just as lesbianity isnOt a sexy sideshow dreamt up for menOs benefit, nor is it some kind of safety net for straight women when hetero-romance goes awry. While it is good that shows such as Ellen and Rhonda establish that gay people have lives beyond their sexuality, it shouldnOt be forgotten that sexuality exists. Nor should we straights give up on ourselves so easily. Men and women might constantly disappoint each other and women might occasionally daydream that thereOs something to be gained from changing teams, but there isnOt, really. In heterosexuality, as in homosexuality, you can run but you canOt hide.