Letters to the best man
Chez Uhuru
228 Musgrave Road
iThekwini
To:Dr Essop Pahad
The Presidency
Union Buildings
Tshwane
Dear Dr Pahad, Level-headed comrades have pointed out to me that I am being naive in thinking that, by merely imitating your example as our leader’s best man, I will necessarily secure a Cabinet post should the groom I serve become president. They have explained to me that as much as this fraternal relationship proved decisive in your case, one must also have an elementary grasp of political principles. Heeding this advice, I have been examining your career, reading the classic texts and conducting historical research. I was impressed to read in a book written by Tom Lodge in 1999, three years after the repudiation of the Reconstruction and Development Programme in favour of the growth, employment and redistribution strategy, that you are “a veteran communist”. This, Lodge suggests, should not be taken to signify anything about our leader’s “ideological predispositions”. Those who suggest, more to the point, that it doesn’t signify anything about yours fail to understand the maturity of your analysis. Whereas many dismiss you as an opportunist of the “Talk Left, Act Right” school, more astute scholars credit you with the discovery of the perfect synthesis of two apparently antagonistic ideological tendencies. You have not merely interpreted the world by identifying the latest dialectical progression along the path to socialism: you are actually changing our world. Having recognised from your study of the classic teachings of Marxism-Leninism that it was Marx who gave us the economic vision, and Lenin the political programme, you have fashioned, in real and practical terms, a synergy relevant to our time: the economic vision of Margaret Thatcher and the political discipline of Joseph Stalin. Our momentum is unstoppable as we are swept along with you in the great leap forward into the heroic age of Thatcherism-Stalinism.
As you will fondly recall from your studies, Stalin purged every member of Lenin’s Politburo. If only the Iron Lady had the political will of the Man of Steel, she would be in power today. We must not make her mistake of taking our eye off the enemy within, or of believing that the maintenance of power is compatible with the destabilising influences of what passes for debate and freedom of expression. In Thatcherism-Stalinism, we have the methodology for achieving for ourselves, under one banner, the unprecedented concentration of both capital and political power. Your skills in identifying the enemy and name-calling are needed now more than ever to defend our advances. Although constitutional democracy, with its quaint provisions for occasional popular participation, is of use to us at this stage, we must be ready for the day when the poor no longer heed our calls for patience. When that time comes, centralisation of power must be complete and it is crucial that you remember everything the Stasi taught you in East Germany. I do not need to remind you that true democracy is not something that is responsive to the spontaneous and momentary whims of the masses, but is rather a scientific programme according to which a trustworthy vanguard determines what is in the class interests of the proletariat. Our historic challenge, in leading the revolution, is to impress upon the masses that acceptance of their continued exploitation is an act of patriotism. They must take heart from the fact that they can experience economic emancipation vicariously, taking pride in the wealth that is being enjoyed on their behalf. We must not, however, overlook the precaution of ensuring that in our military expenditure we invest in the kind of hardware we will need to deal with any mass-based acts of indiscipline by those persisting with counter-revolutionary demands for redistribution, employment and social services.
It is also important that we develop popular respect for our political traditions. We must identify suitable public places in every city, town and village for the erection of five-storey statues of the triumvirate of visionaries who have made our miracle real Thatcher, Stalin and our leader. The millions of unspent poverty-relief funds should assist us to make a start on this patriotic project. Turning to the wedding, I must raise with you a disconcerting discovery I made last week. Although, as best man, I will not be required to utter the words in question, I am frankly uncomfortable with the notion of being an accessory to the traditional marriage vows. I note that the groom is required to answer in the affirmative to a question that simply ignores the elementary laws of the market. He is called upon to unconditionally and permanently accept responsibility for the welfare of the bride, regardless of her financial worth and, would you believe it, even should she become ill! No sensible provision is made for review, for these onerous obligations to operate for a fixed-term, or for some performance-related clause to facilitate substitution. In an era of entrepreneurial priorities, privatisation and out-sourcing, we must take the lead in calling for an overhaul of these archaic vows and for the introduction of market-driven principles that will promote efficiency and competitiveness. If, like our leader, you spend time on the Internet late at night, you will find that there are competitively priced Russian brides merely a credit-card transaction away. How can we fail to embrace globalisation and these digital opportunities? Spouses who know that they are not under threat from replacements who are readily available to provide their services on more favourable terms, will simply not perform if nothing is done to revoke these protectionist vows. I hope that I am not becoming too alarmist. Please assure me that in practice, these utterances at the altar are little more than a meaningless ritual. Should I be coming up with revised terms, or are these traditional expressions of commitment something that can safely be laughed off? Perhaps you can obtain some input for me from the top. Yours in the struggle for world-class conjugal services
Craig Tanner