THE African National Congress Youth League certainly has wide-ranging interests. When not getting involved in the serious matters of schooling, politics and economics – just a couple of weeks ago they were hosting Cubans to discuss closer ties with Fidel Castro’s government – the boys in the league like their light relief. (Before all the feminists start accusing Oom Krisjan of sexism by branding the league a boys’ club, please would they send me a list of all its senior female office-bearers).
This is probably why they hosted a media event last week – with those torch-bearers of the oppressed, Sun International – on the form and content of the Miss South Africa pageant. The league, it was announced, would help in scouting for contestants and other vital areas. Unless a toyi-toying competition is to replace the swimsuit parade, Lemmer is at a loss to explain the league’s need to be involved in this frivolity. Or maybe it’s the promise of front-row tickets and an all-expenses paid week at the Lost City.
See view
Here in the Dorsbult, exaggeration is an art form regularly practised by patrons. But, it appears, Lemmer’s title of ”the biggest liar in the Groot Marico” is under threat. An enterprising seller in the visdorpie advertised a costly Waterfront flat as having a magnificent view of the Indian Ocean. It seems money can buy you anything in Kaapstad – even a view of an ocean 300km away.
Pressing problems
For various reasons, it is unlikely that Oom Krisjan will ever be allowed to join the proposed presidential press corps. Firstly, it would involve swapping his comfortable seat at the Dorsbult Bar for a potential case of deep-vein thrombosis aboard the presidential jet. Also, the government spooks seem to have a very odd notion of what could compromise national security – they insist on a complete and long list of sexual partners from hacks who apply.
”I don’t think my list [of sexual partners] is going to satisfy them. It’s not that I’m not willing,” despaired one candidate over his less than arm’s-length list of escapades.
But there are easier ways to get invited to junkets. Last week’s invitation to parliamentary hacks to witness the swearing in of the new intelligence committee chairperson, Dr Siyabonga Cwele, stated: ”Your presents will be highly appreciated.”
Et tu, Dube
At the University of Zululand the academics are wedded to the truth. None of this calling a spade a gardening implement down in King Goodwill country. So it’s only fitting that Acting Rector Themba Dube be wonderfully forthright in his circular to staff inviting them to apply for the posts of rector, vice-chancellor and registrar.
”I will apprise staff of the names of the persons short-listed for each of the positions next week,” he writes. ”Only then can the lobbying and back-stabbing start.”
Moral rectitude
Probably less intentional, but equally illuminating, was the submission by the New National Party’s Ludwig Andersen during the debate in the provincial assembly over moral regeneration. ”This House, yes, Madam Speaker every member of this House, must commit him or her today to the moral degeneration process in this province,” he told the delighted gathering.
Joost in tie
Oom Krisjan has had mother-in-law problems (several of them, in fact) and he believes in trying to keep the peace – particularly before you actually tie the knot. So a word of warning to former Springbok scrumhalf Joost van der Westhuizen, who got engaged to his Lotto liefie Amore Vittone this week.
Amore’s mother, Delyse Vittone, declined to comment on the engagement. ”She’ll hold it against me if I say anything,” Delyse told Beeld. ”They have given You magazine exclusive rights. The magazine is sending them to Mauritius for a week at the end of the month as a gift.”
Battier than thou
All’s not well at Sour Street, as you can see. John Battersby’s paen of praise to our glorious leader in last weekend’s Sunday Independent took the whole bakery, never mind the cake, in terms of brown-nosing masquerading as journalism. The Batty one assured us that the reason why we sometimes query what the president is on about (his pronoucements on Aids, for example) is because we’re not on a par with his enormous intellect. In other words, we’re all (Batty aside) too stupid to get it, so don’t question the prez.
Oom Krisjan fears he might soon be sent to a re-education school. Worse, he fears that, if doctors perchance X-rayed our great leader’s lower abdomen they’d find an outline of Batty’s head in there.
Anglo Internationale
The manne were interested to hear that that James Motlatsi – former firebrand leader of the struggle against the bloodsuckers of white mining capital – has become vice-chairperson of AngloGold, with the prospect of becoming its next boss. This is, of course, quite in line with revolutionary theory. Any Marxist will tell you that productive powers of capital have to be developed in order to sharpen its internal contradictions and hasten its downfall. By allowing themselves to be re-deployed to the enemy camp, and suffering the martyrdom of wealth and power, former mine unionists Motlatsi, Cyril Ramaphosa and Marcel Golding are making a vital contribution to the establishment of a workers’ utopia in South Africa. Dorstbult regular Jannie Boonzaaier was quite out of order when he muttered, over his Klippies and Coke: ”The working class… can kiss my arse… I’ve got the chairman’s job at last.”
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