The terrorist attacks in the United States on September 11 last year have been blamed for just about everything except global warming – although with the amount of hot air expelled discussing the event Oom Krisjan thinks this will soon be added to the list.
The latest outrage committed in the name of Osama bin Laden, however, comes not from Muslim fundamentalists but from South African insurers. The manne were horrified to discover that premiums for their ”standard construction homes” in the Groot Marico will be going through the roof as a result of events in New York and Washington. Particularly puzzling was the statement that the increase specifically excludes thatched homes – since these, we would have thought, are particularly at risk when flaming bits of plane fall out of the sky.
Is the Dorsbult Bar the next target of suicide bombers?
Blame it on the tomatoes
Events north of the border dominate the news pages this week, but it is comforting to learn that the influx of Zimbabweans into South Africa is not due to people fleeing Uncle Bob Mugabe’s thugs or others unsure about what life will be like after the weekend’s free and fair elections. The reason is tomatoes.
Before you accuse Oom Krisjan of putting too much vodka in his Bloody Marys, let me assure you that this startling pronoucement comes from no lesser authority than the Department of Home Affairs, which claims the increase results from ”the fact that seasonal workers will be entering the country for the harvest of the tomato crops of farmers in the Soutpansberg area. This is an annual occurence.”
Lemmer would have thought South Africa had high enough unemployment not to need to import tomato-pickers in sufficient numbers to be noted by the department.
Home affairs does hedge its bets a little, though, by noting that in ”the unlikely event of there being a mass influx” of non-tomato-pickers after the election, this will be dealt with by the National Disaster Management Centre.
Set a thief…
Speaking of relations with Mad Bad Bob, maybe those who live in thatch houses shouldn’t throw tomatoes. It has come to the notice of the manne that one of South Africa’s 22-person government-nominated observer group of religious leaders, business people and academics has a background as colourful as Mugabe’s shirts.
This individual, who at various times has billed himself as Doctor, Professor and Shaikh – though he possesses none of these qualifications – is an ”academic” from Unisa’s Islamic studies department. He was booted out of a Saudi Arabian university because it came to the attention of the university’s officials that he did not have a South African matric certificate, thereby violating the admission requirements. His time at Unisa has been similarly interesting and he has been under inquiry for some unauthorised spending of public money donated to the institution.
He sounds qualifed to spot any fiddle in the election.
Other fish to fry
Not all creatures are unhappy with Bob, though. Doing the rounds of Zimbabwean watering holes is this story:
A Zimbabwean peasant catches a respectably sized bream in a dam in the eastern highlands of that country. He takes it home. ”Wife,” he says, ”cook it for me. You know how I like it – cooked in sizzling butter, and crisp.”
”But husband,” she says, ”there is no more butter in Zimbabwe.”
”Well, cook it in oil then,” he responds, ”but make it crisp.”
”But husband of mine, there is no more oil in Zimbabwe.”
”Well, cook the blasted fish – I don’t care how. I bought you a paraffin stove last year. Just cook it.”
”But husband of mine, there is no more paraffin in Zimbabwe.”
”Good God, woman,” says the man, waving the still-flapping fish about, ”then go and cut some wood, and make a fire.”
”But husband of mine, look around our hut. All the wood has already been cut down and burned. There are no more trees.”
Having searched for some way through the impasse, the peasant gives up. He carries the fish back to the dam and throws it back into the water.
The fish darts off and, then, leaps out of the water, its right fin held high in the air, and shouts: ”Viva, Robert Mugabe, viva!”
Too many chiefs
If things do go pear-shaped in Zimbabwe, it could solve a few headaches for Minister of Defence Mosiuoa Lekota. Speaking in Messina at the weekend, ”Terror” announced that 7 000 soldiers will be transferred to the Department of Safety and Security to combat crime.
Turning the indians into cowboys is an admirable solution, but it doesn’t address the defence department’s big problem: its huge number of chiefs.
Lekota admitted the defence force has more than 207 generals, the most per number of troops in the history of any army in the world. A possible solution is to ship some of this surplus scrambled egg off to the rest of Africa.
Said the minister: ”There are several armies on the continent that have already expressed the need to acquire some of our expert officers to help train their soldiers.”
As combat veterans they would each be entitled to a large formerly white-owned farm of their choice, we presume.
Maximum blaps
Writing in the Argus in his column ”Maximum Headroom” last Thursday, Max du Preez commented that the only shining lights for South Africa in the previous weekend of sporting gloom had been black.
”The only South African cricket players who don’t really have to feel ashamed of their performance are fast bowler Makhaya Ntini and batsmen Herschelle Gibbs and Justin Ontong,” he opined – somehow forgetting that Ashwell Prince had replaced Ontong. left-handed, right-handed … ag, they all look the same, don’t they Max?
Readers wishing to alert Oom Krisjan to matters of national or lesser importance can do so at [email protected]