A question that needs to be answered, since so much is at stake for us as a nation, is: Does Thabo Mbeki exist?
The evidence appears to be overwhelming that he does exist. But the dissident view is that he could not possibly exist, since how could a Thabo Mbeki stricken with an earlier democratic virus mutate into a Pan-Africanist syndrome?
When asked whether the president in fact existed, the Minister of Health refused to answer such a simple question, pointing out that an explanation would first require approval from the president who, since his very existence was in question, could not be relied upon either to confirm or deny it.
A dissident spokesperson claimed that the existence of Thabo Mbeki was caused by the poverty of our collective imaginations, and that once we freed ourselves from the colonial mindset, we would all see that Mbeki did not in reality exist. She pointed out that Robert Mugabe, the corrupt dictator, obviously did not exist either, and it was only the poverty of our imperialist ideologies that kept him alive.
The presidential praise singer, Essop Pahad, the recent author of an article ”Stalinism never existed, and so I was never a Stalinist”, confirmed the government’s position that it was futile treating people who suffered from the delusion that the president actually existed, since clearly he did not. It was only white supremacists and foreigners who stereotyped African leaders as given to exist, and then arrogantly demanded medical attention for those Africans who also succumbed to this alien belief.
The head of the Department of Black Empowerment, Mr Middleman Makhaye, pointed out that there was no money to be made from the fact of President Mbeki existing, since no lucrative sub-contracts were forthcoming, and so it was better for us all and for nation-building if he did not exist.
When asked to adjudicate on this debate, revered French philosopher Rene Descartes, who definitely does not exist, said: ”I once believed I existed because I think, but now I cannot think how I came to that conclusion. It was all a long time ago and I’m very unhappy.” JP Wade, Durban