I’ve recently published a novel that is set in the South Africa of 2004. Of course there was only so much I could include of what might be happening a couple of years hence and so, in the spirit of government rejoicing at recent Zimbabwe democratic triumphs, I thought I’d add a few extra bits and pieces which, due to space constrictions, I was forced to omit. A typical end-of-year summing up of South Africa’s 2004 will look like this.
“2004 started off quite well with the welcome reduction of the prime lending rate to 29%. This gave the rand a useful uppercut as it struggled to maintain its footing against major currencies and the ongoing drought. The very next week saw the rand trading at the slightly stronger rate of R76 to the dollar. Unfortunately, February’s nationwide rolling strike action by the Congress of South African Trade Unions was to drag and drop the currency back over the R80 mark.
“February and March saw South Africa’s general election strategies getting into gear with the introduction of the Media Amendment Bill, which made unwarranted criticism of the state president a criminal offence punishable by a minimum three-year jail sentence, 50 lashes and castration. (Female offenders will undergo radical hysterectomies and have their breasts reduced.) Regulations order editors to submit all political comment to Government Communication and Information System boss Tony Yengeni for prior approval before publication. Nigel Bruce said this ‘reminded him of the dark ages’. His appeal is still pending.
“In April, as widely predicted, Thabo Mbeki was once again elected to winch the country further along the road to what he described as ‘greater prosperity and a better life for all Cabinet members’. His announcement at his R250-million inauguration ceremony about the abandonment of his famous ‘Nepad’ initiative in favour of his new and more imaginative ‘Jockstrap’ blueprint for economic and social recovery in Africa was received with enthusiasm by massed international guests.
“June 2004 saw South Africa’s first legalised land takeovers, carried out under provisions of the Agricultural Lands Acquisition Act of 2003, which allow productive farmlands to be expropriated without compensation and returned to their traditional owners. By mid-month an average of 30 farms a day were being occupied by informal militia drawn from so-called ‘struggle veterans’. At the end of June the number of armoured Mercedes limousines in Mr Mbeki’s personal motorcade had risen to 32, thereby setting a new all-Africa record and surpassing the previous best, Sam Nujoma’s meagre 22.
“The big news of July was, of course, the reappointment of Hansie Cronje as captain of the South African cricket team. Chairperson of the new selection panel, Pastor Allan Donald, commented: ‘We needed someone who thinks and acts in the deeply pious way that has always been the hallmark of Free State cricket. Hansie recently hit Satan for a six only to find Jesus waiting to snap him up at backward square leg off one of the Holy Ghost’s shorter balls.’
“In August South Africa was privileged to be host to the 27th Annual Conference of Non-Aligned Victim States, held in Gallagher Estate so as to keep the costs above R300-million. Interim Minister of International Affairs Marthinus van Schalkwyk said the conference had been a marked success but for the walk-out by the Orania Delegation.
“In late August the country was aghast at the arrest and violent torture of Mr Tony Leon who was charged with treason for having conspired to have an opposition member of Parliament appointed to Parliament’s standing committee on public accounts.
“Other September news was pushed into the background by the sudden reappearance ? on the 11th ? of Osama bin Laden, speaking from his new cave at the bottom of Aziz Pahad’s garden. Flanked by Aziz and his gleaming brother, Essop, Mr Bin Laden said he looked forward to collaborating in efforts to bring the infidels of the West to their knees.
“October saw the mysterious and as yet unsolved bombing of the Sunday Times printing presses, followed by the still unexplained attempts to set fire to the Mail & Guardian offices, the puzzling release of poisonous gases in the Business Day editorial suites and the deliberate flooding of the Sunday Independent.
“November and spirits soared in the ruling ANC with the introduction of the Presidential Crisis Legislation Act in terms of which the state president was granted the power to announce and put into effect any new legislation he might personally deem necessary to help cope with the freedom of the press and other national emergencies.
“Mr Mbeki’s spokesperson, Snuki Zikhalala, said this would spare the president having to go through all the time-wasting procedures of Parliament. First off the Mbekian cuff was a new law banning the use of the drug, Junior Panado Syrup, pending proper independent testing of its toxic consequences 20 years after being used.
“December will be remembered principally for the appointment of several new judges to the constitutional court, among others Mr Justice Tami ka Plaatjie, Mrs Justess Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma and Dr The Honourable Justice Allan Boesak.
“And, of course, then there was Christmas.”