So Jacob Zuma thinks oral sex is ”unnatural” and ”wrong”. Well I don’t know about wrong. One man’s wrong, like Mr Zuma’s, might be another man’s right, like mine, but he’s definitely on to something with the ”unnatural” thing.
I can’t speak for anyone else, but when wonderful things happen to me for no conceivable purpose and for no reward, I’m inclined to think of them as unnatural.
Natural to me is getting mugged, short-changed, insulted and being asked to stay at work after five. Natural is all the mean, petty, miserly nastiness the human spirit is capable of. Unnatural is getting head without being expected to pay for it.
Perhaps it’s just me. Perhaps there are legions of heterosexual women who are simply desperate to blow men. Although I doubt it. Oral sex is too highly prized to be received all that often. It’s something special, something rare. I suspect the sexual economy follows the conventional law of supply and demand. The demand being infinite, while the supply is very definitely finite. Why? Because giving head isn’t that popular a pastime.
Polite inquiry (well, as polite as one can be about such things) led me to believe that an unrepresentative sample of heterosexual women will use every excuse, from jaw aches to weak knees, to avoid going down. Not because they really detest doing it, mainly they just get bored and their minds start to wander.
So whenever I’m lucky enough to be a recipient, and that’s seldom I assure you, I find myself pondering why. Left to its own devices my mind usually comes up with some pretty uncharitable thoughts. Such as ”what does she want?”, or ”what’s she feeling guilty about?” If the answer to these is ”nothing”, then I have to say, it’s just not natural.
Also it sometimes feels just so darn awkward being a receiver. For those of us neurotic enough to actually look a gift blow in the mouth, there’s more to it than rolling one’s eyes and moaning. I for one am plagued by other demonic notions, particularly the ”what do I do with my hands?” question. The hands are free. Now I am not the sort to have them on my hips or behind my head like they do in porn videos, which leaves them just hanging there. I know they’re somehow supposed to be involved in the process, but how? Nothing feels right. The gentle caress of a partner’s hair feels contrived and condescending, like patting her for good behaviour.
Then there’s the nagging thought that I might not get off quickly (one tries to be considerate). My partner will tire of the procedure, and start to resent me for it, so a speedy climax becomes all the more unlikely.
If that doesn’t come across as unnatural enough, a co-worker once added a new dimension of complexity to the subject.
”What’s the best thing you’ve ever experienced?” he asked me suddenly. Without giving me a chance to reply, he burst out what his best experience was: ”Waking up with my cock in her mouth.”
I had to admit, I couldn’t beat that. That was giving, pure and simple. A sudden, unexpected gesture of attraction, kindness and a genuine desire to give pleasure without expecting anything in return. The receiver would probably be too groggy and surprised to respond anyway. My cynicism could find no foothold in this delightful scenario. I gleefully envisioned myself in that position, but the awkwardness, the unnaturalness seeped in. For while being pleasantly surprised, I imagine most men would also have a pressing need to go to the bathroom.
Now I don’t know if I’m alone here, but I don’t get off with a full bladder. It just doesn’t happen. Assuming others are like me, one would have to extricate oneself from the partner’s mouth, and lumber, bobbing and exposed to the toilet. Then there’s the age-old problem of positioning oneself like an ironing board over the toilet to avoid spraying everywhere. Seeing as you’re in the bathroom anyway, why not brush your teeth.
But how does one do these things without murdering the moment? Assuming you had achieved these feats and returned to your partner all expectant and prepared to enjoy a resumption of activities, you’d be in for a nasty surprise. The tenuous notion that the penis is a sexual device will have been disabused. A horrid realisation will have dawned that it is mainly a tube for urinating through. And nobody wants to put that in their mouth. If you’re extra-ordinarily lucky you might still get a leg over, but it’s unlikely. Odds are you’re probably feeling the entirely natural feeling that you’ve pissed away the chance to experience something wonderfully, gloriously unnatural.
So, maybe Mr Zuma’s right. Maybe oral sex is completely unnatural. Or maybe he means oral sex is completely unnatural for Mr Zuma. Unnatural aside, I find the mental image of the deputy president engaging in any kind of sex wrong wrong wrong. But hey, that’s just me.