If Nigerian newspaper ThisDay is thinking of entering the South African breaking-news market, it’ll have to get someone on the ball to run its website. The paper’s offices were firebombed last Thursday, a fact that the site neglected to mention in its Friday edition. The website also failed to mention the riots that swept through the town of Kaduna last Thursday, in which more than 100 people were said to have been killed.
It could, perhaps, be because the riots were caused by a front-page article in the newspaper, in which Isioma Daniel wrote: “As the idea [of the Miss World contest] became a reality, it also aroused dissent from many groups of people. The Muslims thought it was immoral to bring 92 women to Nigeria and ask them to revel in vanity. What would Mohammed think? In all honesty, he would probably have chosen a wife from one of them.”
Muslim extremists were so outraged by the suggestion that the Prophet might be susceptibile to female allure that they started rioting and have issued a fatwa against the reporter. She, sensibly, has fled the country — along with the Miss World contestants.
Viva Cosatu, viva!
It isn’t often that organisations actually request a mention in this column, so Oom Krisjan was in sy noppies to get an e-mail from the Congress of South African Trade Unions (Cosatu) this week.
Against a background of spiralling prices and high unemployment, Cosatu has decided it is inappropriate — and rather expensive — to throw a big shebang to celebrate its 17th anniversary this weekend. “We won’t be holding any big event or anything because of World Aids Day (and our budget!),” Cosatu informed Lemmer, at the same time requesting a “critical piece of reflection” in this newspaper.
Don’t know if this qualifies, comrades, but the manne will raise a glass in the Dorsbult and shout “Aluta continua” on Sunday, OK?
The VC for cheating
For all those who did not make it to — or through — university, Oom Krisjan offers the inspirational tale of Sathasivan (Saths) Cooper. This former anti-apartheid activist is on the council of the University of Durban-Westville and has just been appointed vice-chancellor of that august institution as from January.
Saths might well be the first VC in the world who was expelled from varsity (the then University College in piesangland in 1970) for cheating during an exam.
Hopeless
Oom Krisjan is worried. A group of boers from south of Table Mountain wants to break away and make the “Cape of Goodhope a free and independent country again”. Oom Krisjan didn’t get far in high school, but as far as he knows the visdorpie was last independent and free before the Hollanders and Engelse went there. Maybe the good news that Madiba is out of jail hasn’t reached their mountain villages yet, because the Cape is free again, and independent from the rooinekke.
The Cape Party wants to “unite the unique peoples of the Cape”. Oom Krisjan feels hurt because he knows some unique people(s) right here in the Groot Marico and what must he tell them? Move to the “Cape of Goodhope”? Ai, how can you be using words like “unite” when you want to secede? And how can you use words like “free” if you are already free?
They also say they bear a too-heavy tax burden. Oom Schalk is quite a clever fellow. He tells me that the gold province on the Jukskei river makes up 9% of the gross domestic product of the whole continent. So, if his calculations are right, the heaviest tax burden is not carried by the Cape or the Cape of Goodhope anyway.
These mense also want to bring back the death penalty — just in case being free on their own is too dangerous, maybe? And who do they want to put to death? The Engelse are gone, the rooigevaar is gone and it turns out that there was no swartgevaar. All that’s left is the pienkgevaar, and the worst those neefies can do is help you rearrange your furniture.
This mountain mentality can be a helse confusing thing.
Buck up
The manne noticed this in the Groot Marico Daily Slander last week under the headline “Anthrax scare”: “Springbok rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the field. Head coach Straeuli immediately suspended practice while police were called to investigate.
“After a complete analysis, Scotland Yard forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the goal line. Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.”
Team player
The Bok issue was big enough this week to be featured in the Eastern Cape legislature. Premier Makhenkesi Stofile got laughter and resounding applause when he said: “Those of us who know something about rugby football will know that England is one of the top teams in the world and to lose against them is not a cardinal sin … There is no reason just because the Springboks and Straeuli have lost to disown them. They continue to be our team and we should be careful not to quickly say — they are now an African National Congress team because they have lost.”
In the eyes of the manne (who must have been watching a different match), Stofile then blew it by claiming: “But [the Boks] played brilliant rugby, which I have not seen since 1960 and that should be encouraging to us all.”
Oom Krisjan thinks the comparison should rather be to 1974, the adjective “brilliant” excluded and the sentence stopped after the date.
Back to the Bothas
Some more trivia from your Oom in the newspaper business: A perfect anagram of “Thabo Mbeki” is Mike B Botha. And the MSWord spellchecker offers Krishna as an alternative to Krisjan.
Readers wishing to alert Oom Krisjan to matters of national or lesser importance can do so at [email protected]