Relations between the Congress of South African Trade Unions (Cosatu) and the clique within the African National Congress that seems hell-bent on breaking up the tripartite alliance seems to have reached an all-time low, if the kindergarten level of insults being traded is anything to go by. At the labour federation’s 17th birthday celebrations at the weekend Cosatu general secretary Zwelinzima Vavi mentioned the ”malicious” level to which the ANC group had descended. Apparently Dumisani Makhaye, former MEC for housing in KwaZulu-Natal, said Cosatu president Willie Madisha had such an immense beard that he did not have any room left in his head for brains. Lemmer wonders what Makhaye thinks about the ANC leader’s facial decoration?
So it was in the grand tradition of politics making strange bedfellows, that leftist elements within the alliance quietly celebrated last week when their traditional adversary, the Inkatha Freedom Party, axed Makhaye from his post in piesangland.
With all the insults (and other things) flying around these days, South African Communist Party general secretary Blade Nzimande announced to the gathering that he had to rush off to buy Orlando Pirates’ protective headgear for this weekend’s big match.
Building credibility
But maybe it’s not just the waters of the Indian Ocean that affect those in power. Lemmer hears that the new mayor of the visdorpie, Nomaindia Mfeketo, has already got quite good at coining — or putting her name to — some clangers.
Firstly, her response to the case of the schoolgirl found raped and murdered in an abandoned school building in Langa was that her council would look into demolishing abandoned buildings. Besides it being highly unlikely that the crime was the building’s fault, it perpe- tuates the myth that rapists are always shadowy figures lurking on the fringes of society — rather than fathers, husbands, brothers and sons.
Secondly, a City of Cape Town municipality brochure about new electricity tariffs, replete with photo of Mfeketo in the top corner, gives information on ”How to reduce your electricity account”. The first point reads as follows:
”Instruct all household members, particularly servants and children, in the economical use of household water.”
Since when did workers go back to being servants? And to being classed in the same category as children?
Downsizing
Ster-Kinekor, the movie giant, has long been telling us that seeing movies is ”always better on the big screen”. Now Ster-Kinekor Home Entertainment (any relation?), which distributes videos, has posters up in video rental stores telling us it’s ”Better on the small screen”. Lemmer wishes they’d make up their minds.
Courting problems
With Winnie Madikizela-Mandela reportedly threatening to sue Parliament, the question that springs to Lemmer’s mind is: ”Will she be able to locate it to do so, having been there so infrequently?”
Who’s fooling who?
It’s getting to that time of year when awards are given out and Oom thinks Democratic Alliance MP Donald Lee has a good chance of walking away with some acknowledgement for sheer persistence in the face of government obduracy. The DA’s mouthpiece on sport has been trying to get his hands on the report on the bribing of match officials in the Premier Soccer League. After his requests were ignored he resorted to the Promotion of Access to Information Act to get hold of the report — which is so incendiary that South African Football Associaiton (Safa) president Molefi Oliphant was quoted in City Press as saying ”the report is in my possession, but there is no way we are going to publish it, otherwise Safa will be damned for good”.
Unfortunately, the Department of Sport and Recreation does not want to play ball. Lee has been informed, in a letter from department spokesperson Graham Abrahams, that ”after investigations and communications with Safa and Mr Oliphant, it has been established that no such report exists”.
Lee is debating what to do next to get his hand on this fabled document. Oom Krisjan thinks the South African soccer authorities are busy scoring a few own goals here — though they’ve got a way to go to catch Stade Olympique de l’Emyrne, a club from Madagascar who put a record 149 goals into their own net recently to protest against perceived biased refereeing.
Knees up, Meneer Brown
The launch of Viagra opened a whole new can of worms, so to speak, and Lemmer has mentioned previously how he has been inundated with adverts for that and other products designed to correct erectile dysfunction (what the manne still call ”not being able to get it up”).
One of the most frightening arrived in the mail this week. It’s a tablet thingummy that you must put under your tongue for at least 10 minutes just before sex (one helluva turn-on), but what had Lemmer really worried was the section labelled ”side-effects”.
Nausea, headaches and dizziness occur in quite high percentages (4,5% to nearly 7%) compared to what Lemmer deems an acceptable risk — considering the rewards and the potential embarrassment. This is followed by this rather alarming statement: ”Less than 0,2% of men taking Uprima experienced a fainting spell called syncope that was usually preceded by nausea, vomiting, sweating and dizziness or light-headedness. If you experience any of these symptoms after taking Uprima, you should not attempt to stand up, but should lie down and elevate your legs until the symptoms go away.”
What some manne will do for sex.
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