A shaken Dorsbult regular tottered in after a deeply worrying encounter with the law on the morning of Freedom Day. Fortified by a dop or three, he recounted his sorry tale.
His most cherished possession nowadays is his new credit card-type licence, so it was with unusual sang-froid that he cruised to a halt at one of the roadblocks Jo’burg’s finest are gleefully mounting around every corner these days.
The revelation that one of his brake lights wasn’t working slightly dented this sanguine calm, as did the news that for this gross violation he would have to fork out 200 bucks.
The cop’s failure to check any other lights, or indeed anything else whatsoever on the car, sparked off some reflections involving logic and competence, though the hack was cunning enough to keep these pensées to himself.
What really worried him, though, was a question the cop fired off while standing about 100cm from the car, which happens to be a standard (though deeply attractive) green in hue: ”What is the colour of your vehicle?”
Figure it out
The Guardian retains its reputation as the prince of the printed blaps. The newspaper, often self-deprecatingly referred to as The Grauniad for the apocryphal story of it having once printed its masthead that way, is legendary for its misspellings and mistakes.
On Thursday morning came this: ”At least 46 people were killed today when a strong earthquake rocked south-eastern Turkey, leaving 100 children trapped under debris after their school collapsed. Turkish housing minister Zeki Ergezen said the estimated death toll stood at 150 and television channel NTV reported that 105 bodies had already reached the city’s morgue.”
Lying low
Lemmer often prides himself on being the biggest liar in the Groot Marico, which is why he won’t be travelling to the little town of Mount Sterling in the United States anytime soon.
Apparently Jo Hamlett, the mayor of this Iowa hamlet, wants to ban lying. Mount Sterling is in the heart of the state’s hunting and fishing country, and tall tales of fish caught and animals bagged come with the territory.
”The lying’s getting out of hand, and I just want to try and put a hold on it,” Hamlett (69), a former cattle dealer, said.Too many of Mount Sterling’s 50 or so residents are inclined to exaggeration after a few bottles of beer. Besides, the town has a church to restore, roads to pave and a bathroom to instal in the town hall, and Mr Hamlett would like to finance them from his levy on mendacity.
Fired or …
Sometimes, though, Engels is just such a tricky language that it catches out the best of us. That’s probably the reason for the startling statement on news24.com during the war on Iraq, that Saddam Hussein was ”retrenching his troops” around Baghdad. Lemmer suspects he was merely redeploying them from one position to another.
In coming
The huge boom in e-mail flying round the world over the past few years is well documented, and it has some irritating side-effects. In order that readers can bring matters of national or lesser importance to Oom Krisjan’s attention, the Mother Grundy settings on the Dorsbult’s PC have been turned off — meaning that no e-mail will be rejected merely because it contains certain words.
This might strike a blow for freedom of speech, but it also means that every bit of spam gets through, too. In fact, in his more paranoid moments, Lemmer believes that instead of suing the paper, these days those with an axe to grind against the Mail & Guardian merely submit all its e-mail addresses to every sex site on the Net.
Even more pathetic than the daily submissions from MWLF (Mothers Who Like to Fuck), is the garbage like this: ”Friend, are you as sick of all the ”money taking”, ”get rich quick” schemes as I am?
”Tired of people wanting you to give them your personal details without having any clue what they are offering?
”Me too!
”That is why I have put together one of the hottest, most successful business packages of the new millennium, and I will show it to you right now! And, yes that means details!
”Give me 2 minutes of your time and I will show you EXACTLY what it will take to change your financial life today. No Hype, NO False promises, just the facts!
”CLICK HERE NOW FOR FREE DETAILS!”
If you really want Lemmer’s attention, make NO False promises.
Readers wishing to alert Oom Krisjan to matters of national or lesser importance can do so at [email protected]