Several years ago, when I was first starting out as a daily newspaper journalist, my news editor sent me out on one of the silliest stories to which I’ve ever been assigned. His briefing was a bit vague: a couple who had been trying unsuccessfully to have a child for several years had discovered nudism and, as a result, were now expecting a baby.
The address was for a large house in the northern suburbs of Johannesburg, so I was unsurprised by the electric gates and the large dogs. I was, however, completely thrown when the front door was opened by a totally naked middle-aged man and his equally naked and extremely pregnant wife.
The photographer and I were ushered into the lounge, where we were offered tea and biscuits and treated as though interviewing naked people was a regular occurrence on a mid-week afternoon.
I was gripped by that exquisite embarrassment felt only by the fully clothed in the presence of the totally naked. By selecting a very low chair and using the biscuits to bribe their Pyrenean mountain dog to stand in front of me so that all I could see was the couple’s heads above its huge back, I was able to get through the interview with a degree of sanity.
What this couple wanted to share with my newspaper — and through it the world — was that by converting to nudism the husband had rid himself of his tight-fitting underpants, thereby raised his sperm count and this had resulted in the wife finally falling pregnant. I heard about all this in much greater detail than I required.
On leaving their opulent home I felt a degree of irritation, bordering on resentment, that I’d been subjected to their story — and thought sourly that, had the husband merely chosen to wear looser-fitting underpants, I’d have been spared.
Nearly 20 years later, while watching a new South African-made sex education video, I got a similar attack of the galloping mother-grundies.
The video in question is Expanded Orgasm for Her, the first in a planned series from Endless Pleasure. Self-styled sensualist Jonti Searll and video-production duo Kevin and Tanya Factor are behind this venture, which, they believe, will teach adults some techniques to improve their love lives.
The ”Pleasure Box” package includes the video, the CD Music for Making More than Love, a water-based lubricant and a candle. (I, too, first thought that these last two items might be used in conjunction with each other — but rest assured, the candle is merely to provide lighting when creating a romantic ambience.)
The idea is fabulous. From my limited personal experience of South African men’s lovemaking techniques, anything that would teach them some new tricks is welcome.
The problem — as is so often the case in matters of a sexual nature — is in the execution. The promotional material promises that the video will teach you how to give a woman an orgasm that lasts for up to 30 minutes.
The point of the expanded orgasm is to prolong the sensual experience by delaying — or, in the case of the video, avoiding — climax.
But the ”lesson” is so dry and joyless that I can’t imagine anyone wanting to rush to bed to try out what they’ve learned. Put it this way, you’re more likely to want a cup of cocoa than a cold shower.
For Expanded Orgasm for Her is not at all erotic. It shows in clinical detail the correct techniques for manual stimulation of the clitoris and vagina, complete with a serious voice-over, ”mood” music and, incongruously, several sequences of waves rolling up a beach. In all, the impression is of Mills & Boon meets gynaecological exam.
To end off with, you’re treated to a Searll seminar, with devotees sitting around cross-legged on a carpet listening to the guru expound on how his techniques have helped save many marriages.
This quasi-mysticism and the evangelical zeal on the part of the publicists are what brought the Joburg nudists to mind. And this time, there wasn’t a Pyrenean mountain dog to shelter behind.