If the United Nations were a kindergarten, it would definitely be time to call a time out.
The diplomatic fun and games over Iraq have grown way too intense. What started as an orderly, sit-down, knees-crossed group discussion over what to do about the bogeyman in Baghdad has turned into an over-excited, slightly hysterical free for all.
This has gone far beyond Ring a Ring o’ Roses and musical chairs. Now it’s a bit like trying to play cricket, bowls and American football all at the same time. Nobody can agree on the rules.
It’s a responsible parent’s nightmare in New York right now. No wonder the UN secretary general and chief child minder, Kofi Annan, is fraying at the edges.
Everybody at the UN day centre is tired and fractious. Everybody is getting cross with everybody else. As every good mum knows, this is the moment to take a break — before something gets broken.
Time for soft drinks and a snack, maybe, and perhaps a nap, too. And no more talking about Iraq until everybody is rested and can show a happy-smiley face. After that they might come up with a sensible solution. That’s not a likely outcome in their present mood.
Take George Bush Jr, for example. He certainly seems like he could use a breather. George gets a bit petulant when things are not going his way. Trying to look like he’s in charge, when everybody knows that Uncle Dick Cheney really is, is taking a toll.
One American columnist, commenting on George’s most recent East Room romp, said he talked like he was ”tranquillised”. Maybe this was a joke. Or maybe Laura slipped him some Calpol, just to make sure he didn’t hurt himself or anybody else – such as 24 million Iraqis, for example.
Tony Blair does not get sleepy when things get hectic. Quite the opposite. He just gets hyper-rer and hyper-rerer.
Even when it’s nap time, young Tony doesn’t stop. As soon as the lights go out, he’s up out of bed, planning a new future for the Kurds or reshuffling the Palestinian cabinet.
Tony’s favourite game is ”phone a president”. He does this all the time. Poor Vladimir Putin in the Kremlin is quite worn out by it. ”Is that him again?” he says in an exasperated voice. ”Look, just tell him I’m in Grozny or somewhere. Tell him it’s my veto and I’ll do what I want with it”.
Tony likes phoning George Jr the best of all. But he doesn’t always get a fair hearing due to George holding the phone away from his ear while watching baseball videos.
Jacques Chirac, it must be admitted, can be a very difficult child. He likes to be the centre of attention. He talks to himself in the mirror a lot, waving his arms about.
Sometimes he stands in the middle of the playground and shouts: ”Don’t you know, I own this creche!” Then he proclaims at length about ”La Franz”.
Nobody knows what this means. But experts in international relations speculate Jacques has a secret German girlfriend.
Sometimes Jacques puts on a triangular hat he found in the dressing-up cupboard and slips his hand inside his jacket.
Counsellors call this obsessive-delusional behaviour and have advised cold showers and a gluten-free diet. But like his grandpa Charles, Jacques says ”Non!” Jacques always has Pret a Manger croissants with truffle spread for his snack and won’t give it up.
When George Jr, Tony and Jacques act up, the other children get quite upset about their antics. Some start copying them. Others, like the Bulgars, become aggressive and some, like Pakistan, simply don’t know what to do.
One unfortunate consequence in recent weeks has been an outbreak of bullying behind the UN bicycle shed. The main culprit is thought to be Don Rumsfeld, a small but pugilistic boy with a very large catapult and a lot of attitude.
Mexico and various Africans have complained about painful arm-twisting. They say ”the Don” told them that they have to be in his gang — or else. Don has a friend called Paul who everybody is frightened of. Don has been really beastly to the Germans and even challenged them to a fight. This is unfair because it is well known that the Germans have given up fighting.
Everybody told them to stop, so they did (eventually). They were told fighting was ”BAD!” But really they gave up fighting because they were too good at it and beat everybody and then afterwards they felt guilty. So Don’s teasing is naughty and unkind. He’s been asked to be more sensitive or leave the class.
But the kindergarten’s biggest headache isn’t to do with this term’s members at all. It concerns those children who have been excluded.
A boy called Saddam is one of them. This kid is a real hard-case and everybody is at their wit’s end. Saddam is not allowed to attend the kindergarten due to repeated misbehaviour.
It started with him stealing somebody’s lunch-box. Next thing they knew, he’d stolen Kuwait! Later on, they found a toy gun in his locker. Saddam said he was just fooling around but George Jr and the others said he had pointed it at them and they thought it was real.
George and his gang said if he didn’t stop, they’d cry. So Saddam said ”Fine. So cry away, you cry-babies!” That’s when that nice Mr Annan had to intervene.
But the UN’s real problem child is called Osama. He is very disturbed. He doesn’t say much. He hides a lot and pretends he’s not there. Maybe it’s a potty-training thing. But when it comes to anti-social behaviour, Osama is way out ahead of the rest.
One day he went missing. They could not find him anywhere. Eventually they tracked him down under the table, in a pretend cave made of blankets and books with back-to-front writing in them. Osama had cut the hair off all the Barbie dolls and draped them in black. When they told him to come out, he refused. That’s when he executed Cindy.
Nobody knows where Osama is now. But they worry he might come back. This is another reason why it might be a good time to give UN playgroup’s Iraq game a rest, at least for a while. It’s all very stressy and confusing. If it goes on this way, it is certain to end in tears.
When they’ve all had a calming nap, they might feel better about things. And who knows? They might even grow up. – Guardian Unlimited Â