There’s not many in the Dorsbult that call a spade a gardening implement, but the changing nature of language is a topic often discussed over a couple of dops. What got the Klippies flowing this week was an article in The New York Times — one bound to warm the shallows of Manto’s heart.
Apparently scientists in the HIV/Aids field who apply for grants from the United States’s National Institutes of Health should avoid certain politically sensitive ”key words” such as ”anal sex” and ”needle exchange” in their submissions — a by-product of Bushbaby’s needlessly anal administration.
One facility reports that one of its researchers was advised to use a euphemism for ”sex worker”, which the manne thought was about as euphemistic as it gets anyway.
With the term ”relief worker” having already been appropriated by less ecdysiastically inclined types, our minds turned to the charming Japanese term, ”compensated dating”. Perhaps those seeking grants should suggest they are researching the habits of ”compensated daters”.
Words apart
Dorsbult regulars were flabbergasted by a phonecall this week alleging that Sasco (the South African Students Congress) is pleased to announce its donation of R1-million to the cause of adult literacy. The bemused hack who received this astonishing news first checked the octane level of his Klipdrift, and then switched to the ruthlessly interrogative mode for which the Dorsbult is known and feared: ”Are you sure? How can Sasco afford that?”
This elicited the puzzling reply, ”I don’t know, but I’ll send you a fax with the details.”
Wild fantasies about the origins of our student leaders’ newfound wealth and unusual largesse came to a sharp halt when the promised fax arrived. Seems that Sasko, a division of Pioneer Foods, is the benefactor, and Project Literacy the recipient. An abject call to Sasko followed, apologising for the earlier scepticism about the company’s financial health.
Cheque it out
Lemmer is often on about the oddities thrown up by MSWord’s spell checker. Here’s an entire Ode to a Spell Checker.
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marks for my revue miss steaks eye kin knot sea
Eye strike a quay and type a word
and weight four it two say
weather eye yam wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh
as soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
and eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong
Eye have run this poem threw it,
and eye am shore your pleased two no
Its letter-perfect awl the way
My chequer tolled me sew
Studious and curious
It’s hard enough to get through university (Oom Krisjan is told), but sometimes it appears even more difficult to get there. These thoughts were motivated by the experiences of one of Oom’s neefies, who requested specific information on Unisa courses. Instead, he got the following e-mail:
”good day
”To apply for credits you need to submit an original academic record. You can fax one threw to 012-4294150. Please include a letter in which you apply for credits and also include your E-mail address. For information booklets to be posted to you please forward your postal address.
”regards”
Wilder and wilder
We’ve all heard the phrase ”poacher turned gamekeeper” — particularly, for some reason, in connection with football players — but it seems you can be both. According to a list of registered NGOs in Gauteng, Die Biltongjagtersvereniging van Suid-Afrika is categorised under ”Environment: Wildlife preservation and protection”. That’s ”Biltong hunters association” for linguistically challenged readers.
Adamant
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a World Bank economist are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
”Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Englishman. ”They must be English!”
”Nonsense,” says the Frenchman.
”They are both naked and beautiful. They must be French!”
”You are both wrong,” says the World Bank economist.
”They have no clothes and no shelter. They have only an apple to eat and they’re being told they’re in Paradise.
”Clearly, they are Zimbabweans!”
False down
The manne were a little puzzled by an advert on page 22 of last week’s edition of your favourite rag. Anyone with the slightest knowledge of the geography of the
visdorpie will realise that the ”dawn” is apparently breaking from a south-westerly direction. A new era indeed — what was the name of that 19th-century Xhosa prophetess who predicted the sun rising and setting again in the east?
Fooled again
Sometimes April Fool’s comes round twice. Die Burger last week teased on its front-page about a new law for 4×4 drivers featured in its outdoors supplement.
Oom Krisjan can only guess there was much outrage that the 4×4 brigade should be hit with another law after being banned from bromming up and down beach dunes.
The ”story”, issued by Sapa on April 1 but not picked up until more than a week later, said 4×4 enthusiasts would have to learn to identify the animals they killed. They would be tested in an official exam in an initiative to make 4×4 users more conservation-aware.
So deep must have been the outrage that no eyebrows or suspicion were raised when the piece quoted ministerial adviser Professor Hitim Haarde.
Readers wishing to alert Oom Krisjan to matters of national or lesser importance can do so at [email protected]