Oom Krisjan is thrilled to hear that the beloved country notched up a small but significant victory over the all-conquering Yanks recently. An aeronautically literate chommie of his explained that every aircraft has a call sign — a code it uses when communicating with air traffic control. So when SAA flight 356 calls in, it will introduce itself on air not as SAA356, but with whatever code it’s been assigned — Foxtrot 1221, for example. It is rumoured that when Bushbaby’s Air Force One approached Pretoria’s Waterkloof Air Force base, it announced itself to the air traffic controllers as ”Air Force One”, no doubt expecting that hushed awe, humble salutations and respectful invitations to grace our soil would follow. But South African controllers are made of sterner stuff. No, the controllers said, you can’t use that: we own the air force here. Apparently the Americans were pissed off but had to back down and were assigned a less impressive call sign. The Oom’s heart swells with patriotic pride.
Revolution
And it’s the same patriotic fervour that prompts the Oom as a matter of urgency to alert the president, his Cabinet, all senior government officials, the National Intelligence Agency, the army, the navy, the air force and the police that something is afoot. Type ”IFP” into Google (the Internet search engine) and you’re informed that the Inkatha Freedom Party is a ”primarily ethnic Zulu party led by Mengistsu Buthelezi”. Remembering that Mengistu Haile Mariam overthrew Ethiopian Emperor Haile Selassie in 1999 in an especially bloody coup, and that one of his first acts of governance was to send 60 of the former emperor’s senior officials to the firing squad — and mindful too that Google is au fait with everything in the known universe — the Oom suggests, as hacks are wont to recommend, that something must be done.
Art is hard
The Oom has long felt that the Aussies’ reputation as a boorishly cultureless bunch of Springbok-torturers and Protea-tormentors is wholly unwarranted. And now he has the proof that has eluded him for all his long years. Six Australian camels are being played opera music to prepare them for an appearance in Aida in South Korea, the London Guardian reported this week. ”Just a few years ago the animals were roaming wild in Australia’s central desert but next month they will be on stage in Seoul in a £3,1-million production of Verdi’s opera,” the Oom read — and reread after checking which strength of mampoer the Dorsbult was doling out that evening. ”The six will appear for 10 minutes during the Triumphal March, one of the opera’s most famous moments, along with 1 500 humans, 14 other camels, 60 horses, 12 chariots and an elephant.” But this singular contribution to animal and indeed world culture is running into a small problem. ”They’ve sent us files of all the opera music by e-mail and we’ve been cranking them up on the speaker,” said John Geappen, co-owner of Red Sun Camels, based in Broome, Western Australia. ”They don’t seem to pay much attention to it.”
Alert the SPCA
A media invitation from the South African Police Service that at first glance warmed the manne’s hearts fluttered into the Dorsbult this week. It cordially invited us to a ”handing-over ceremony” of 350 ”dog bulletproof vests”, compliments of those breezy folks you find at 94.7 on your radio dial on the Highveld. About time the boys in blue wore some of their hearts on their sleeves — in a manner of speaking — and displayed their loyalty to man’s best friend, we thought. It was only much later (and after many rounds of Klippies in memory of Jock of the Bushveld) that one of the manne noticed the following sentence in the invite: ”There will also be a display by the dog units, demonstrating the advantages of utilising these vests.” How, exactly?
Superior thirst
A new scientific survey has revealed that South Africa is the country most susceptible to uncontrollable thirsts. Apparently South Africans dehydrate faster than other people. The survey says South Africans should be commended for taking the bull by the horns and consuming five billion litres of alcohol annually. Over the decades the thirst emergency has led to the establishment of 180 000 shebeens nationally. Soon, liquor producers are going to become distributors. This should be good news for dehydrated individuals like the police captain and his wife who, in a fit of thirst, wrecked a bar in Richards Bay on August 1. Respectful members of the force called to the scene by the bar owner showed great compassion when they refused to charge their superior.
Strongman
Speaking of quality editorial content, the Oom relished a suggestion this week that the local media welcome a new byline — RAM-BO, in honour of columnist Darrel Bristow-Bovey’s claimed random access memory when accused recently of reproducing chunks of a rather more accomplished writer, Bill Bryson, as his own.
Charm queen
At the opening ceremony of this week’s Aids conference, Health Minister Her Highness Manto Tshabalala-Msimang won friends and influenced people in her usual inimitable style. First victim of the ministerial charm was Jerry Coovadia, the chairperson of the conference, whom Queen Manto ignored. Overcoming this slight, Coovadia nevertheless tried to introduce Herself to a number of guest speakers, including James McIntyre of the Perinatal Research Institute at Bara. When McIntyre put out his hand to hers, She Who Must Be Obeyed pulled her hand away, ”gave him a look” (as Lemmer’s mole described it) and shook her head. At a dinner later in the week, Coovadia mentioned to guests the minister’s odd behaviour but forgave her childishness.