The dog ate my homework
Oom Krisjan keeps a record of extremely lame excuses, and one emanating from piesangland recently is a definite candidate for the year’s biggest, best fib. Apparently Premier Lionel Mtshali arrived more than an hour late for a bilateral on October 8 between the Inkatha Freedom Party and the African National Congress. His explanation? He’d got lost.
Lemmer presumes this was merely a diplomatic way of saying he’d fallen asleep during one of the Prince formerly known as Gatsha’s interminable speeches. But if it is the truth, be very afraid. Should a man who can get lost — for an hour — in the metropolis of Ulundi (a place he claims to value more than home) be in charge of the province?
Pyrotechnics
If it was one of his esteemed highness’s speeches that caused Oom Lionel to ”get lost”, Lemmer is sure it wasn’t the one to the annual conference of the IFP Women’s Brigade. Umntwana raised a fine head of steam as he described the Scorpions’s attempts to arrest and find evidence against ”our exiled leader” Phillip Powell as a story ”which was organised as the main propaganda show against us in the 1999 elections. It was indeed a show extraordinary in pyrotechnical treacherous lies and complete manipulation of the organs of the state to serve the ANC agenda to the point of infamy.”
After that gem of a Gatshaism, the Prince unwittingly underlined the links between the apartheid regime and the Angolan rebel movement when he went on to refer to the late Unita leader Jonas Savimbi as ”Johan Savimbi”.
Blame the dog II
The old newspaper adage goes that ”dog bites man” is not news, whereas ”man bites dog” is. On a late-night prez-like trawl through the Internet, Lemmer came upon this slightly dodgy doggy story — on www.news24.com — that fits the category.
Apparently a young Mexican from Yucatan, the wonderfully monickered Juan Evangelista Poot, presented himself at the local hospital with bullet wounds in his back and neck — and claimed his dog did it. He said: ”I don’t know how this happened. One minute we were playing and the next he had the gun in his mouth. This dog is my best friend.” A police spokesperson said it was unlikely they would arrest Poot’s pooch.
Satan’s steeple
Daaronder in die visdorpie the mountain’s so beautiful and the wine’s so tasty and the grass is so … um … green, that sometimes you get to imagining things. Oom hopes this is the reason for a letter Cobie Swart sent to the council of the Brackenfell NG Kerk. You see, Swart — whose husband Chris happens to be the dominee — believes the church’s steeple is a phallic and occult symbol — and her claims have the congregation’s knickers in a collective twist. Beeld reports that Swart describes the steeple as ”an image of a male’s sex organs”, which had ”sexual relations with the goddess of the sky”.
The council decided that it would rather spend the R100 000 it would cost to tear down the steeple on charity and aiding the poor.
Blank definitions
The Washington Post’s Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year’s winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realise it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease (this one got extra credit).
Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. (Such as virtually anything promoted by anyone in Washington.)
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidently walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Catepallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
And the pick of the year:
Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole at the same time.
Well, that wonderful list got the manne thinking. Over a couple of bottles of Klippies we came up with a few South African ones:
Zumo: An overweight financial wrestler.
Butchelezi: A homophobic Zulu.
Msimango: A Ministry of Health-approved dietary cure for Aids.
Ostritch: An allergic reaction to wearing ornamental feathers.
Baitress: A female table-attendant in a sushi restaurant.
Welwitchia: A Namibian satanist coven.
Fugary: Sentimental, dramatic portrayal of apartheid tragedy.
Lemmer invites readers to send in some of their own. Please limit your submissions to three per e-mail. The best will be published in this column.