In the towers of ivory
Oom Krisjan has never had the easiest of times following the murky doings of universities and technikons — and would have to confess to not being entirely sure of the difference between them anyway. Now, to complicate the matter further, and getting the Oom’s pipe embers glowing even more thoughtfully, we apparently have ”universities of technology”.
So it was with weary resignation that the Oom heard an excited report-back on Education Minister Kader Asmal’s Tuesday press conference about the astonishing goings-on at the University of Sugar Cane (aka UDW — the University of Domestic Warfare).
But Asmal also used the opportunity to introduce a new tertiary institution to the media. Three times, and with his trademark chuckle, he referred to the University of Port Shepstone. The Oom considered the possibilities. Asmal-esque antics? Obscure in-joke? A unknown national asset? A public losing of the ministerial marbles?
But a call to the Department of Education poured cold water on the embers. Asmal had been talking about the University of Potchefstroom. Oh. Pity.
Fit to be an MP
Some portly parliamentarians appeared put out by the debate in honour of Diabetes Week. ”[Is it] parliamentary whether all speakers should be thin and therefore be talking as they like about people with fuller figures,” asked a note passed to Deputy Speaker Baleka Mbete who, after reading it, decided not to rule on the weighty matter.
Instead Minister of Health Manto Tshabalala-Msimang blamed MPs expanding waistlines on fried chicken, increased television watching, driving instead of walking and hiring domestic help to do the chores they previously did themselves.
Lose weight, exercise and eat healthily — with more vegetables, fruit and pap — advised the herbal diet advocate: ”Remember to add garlic as well as a lemon!”
Others simply called for healthier food at Parliament. But Ruth Rabinowitz went further: stationary bicycles for the National Assembly to exercise the body as parliamentarians exercised their minds!
A neutral solution
Lemmer is often a little baffled by the way the government deals with foreigners — and he’s not just talking about Dr the Honourable Her Royal Highness Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma here. There’s a hint of ministerial schizophrenia in the way the powers-that-be handle those who cross our borders (by legal or otherwise means) seeking wealth, fame and fortune (by legal or otherwise means).
So, when he read on a govern- ment website talk of plans to make makwerekwere into ”neutralised” citizens, the alarm bells went off. To Lemmer’s relief, however, a few days later that was changed to ”naturalised”.
Sea saw
Sometimes hidden in these pages (well, hopefully hidden from the litigious) lies the news behind the news. On reading this rag last Friday Oom Krisjan came across the first credible explanation for buying all those floating Ferraris. Jammer, corvettes.
In citing the Falklands War as a justification for splashing out more than R60-billion on arms, Vice-Admiral Johan Retief hints at the real, and so far most convincing, reason for the purchase (”African beauty makes waves”). It was not, as an African Potato famously suggested, to defend the coastline against an invasion by Bushbaby’s minions, but to deter an opportunistic Australian attack on Marion and Prince Edward islands.
Thales tales
Talking about things that make the deputy prez uncomfortable, it appears South Africans are not the only folk to have paid a little over the odds for a couple of ships.
According to a report in The Liberty Times last week, the Taiwanese navy is suing French company Thompson-CFS (sic) for $590-million over a 1991 deal for Lafayette frigates.
Thompson, of course, is now known as Thales, and is the same company that sold the corvettes to South Africa.
The Taiwan Times reports the navy is demanding Thompson pay back a $500-million bribe allegedly paid to French and Chinese middlemen to smooth the deal, and an added $90-million for the damage the scandal caused to its image.
France has diplomatic ties with Beijing, which prevent it selling arms to Taiwan.
Maybe it’s time we took a leaf out of the Taiwanese book.
Digging in
Die mense of the visdorpie are not to be outdone, especially if they’re of the New Natty Nat persuasion. If the White House can have its Rose Garden, Leeuwenhof can have an Assegai Garden.
The premier’s wife, Suzette van Schalkwyk, got down and dirty — herself (nogal!) — planting the first indigenous tree, a red currant, in the garden of the Leeuwenhof residence.
Accused by former premier Peter Marais of ”nagging” until her husband installed himself in the top provincial post, Mev van Schalkwyk has launched the first African garden at the home that is said to be haunted by the slaves who were kept there in days gone by.
But unlike Marais’s wife Bonita, who overhauled the curtains and other interior decorations, the boss’s spouse issued each of her 50 guests with a spade to plant proteas, assegai trees and the like.