Don’t mix business and pleasure, so the saying goes. Very wise words. But when Cupid’s arrow strikes, the temptation to mix the two can prove irresistible. Saucy e-mails and illicit clinches by the photocopier can inject a little excitement into the monotony of office life, but if romance goes wrong, everyone can get caught in the crossfire.
Adam Cherry, a project manager, recently vowed never to date a work colleague again after an office romance turned sour. ‘When Lisa joined my team, I was immediately attracted to her,” he recalls. ‘She was lively, attractive and very good at her job. About six months after she’d joined, we were at a do when she said she fancied me. We’d both had a lot to drink and when she invited me back to her place, I jumped at the chance.”
But when he’d sobered up, Cherry was regretful. His company actively discourages relationships between colleagues, and particularly between team managers and members. He worried it would damage his chances of promotion.
‘I told Lisa I didn’t think it was a good idea to start a relationship,†he says. ‘She was upset, because she felt I’d taken advantage of her. I really liked her, so I ended up agreeing to see her secretly.â€
But after dating Lisa for a few months, Cherry decided to end the relationship. ‘At first it was fun,” he recalls. ‘We’d exchange naughty text messages at work and exchange meaningful glances in meetings. Thinking up places to meet where we wouldn’t be seen made it really exciting, but I soon realised that Lisa was getting serious about me and I just didn’t feel the same way.”
But Cherry hadn’t anticipated Lisa’s reaction to being dumped. ‘Because she was always composed and professional at work, I expected her to handle the split in the same way, but she completely lost the plot. She burst into tears in the office, bitched about me to colleagues and made me out to be some kind of love rat. It was very embarrassing.”
According to relationship psychologist Susan Quilliam, breaking up with a work colleague can be incredibly stressful. ‘What’s horrible is that it’s just so public. And whether you’ve done the dumping or you’re the one that’s been dumped, it can be very hard to move on from the relationship if you’re seeing someone every day.”
Kate Bradley, a press officer, recently split with a work colleague she’d been dating for more than a year. ‘We work in a small office, with just six people,†she says. ‘Our relationship had hit a rocky patch, so when Dave finished with me, I wasn’t surprised. Part of me was even relieved. But having to go into work was humiliating. I felt paranoid, as if everyone was secretly taking sides.”
And as Cherry found, when you’re on different levels of the professional hierarchy, it can be even more difficult. In the weeks that followed his split with Lisa, she began to question his management style and complain that he was favouring other team members. When colleagues became fed up with the frosty atmosphere in the office, Cherry was forced to admit everything to his manager.
‘You could tell he was dying to say ‘I told you so’, but he was supportive. We talked it through and decided that it would be best if I moved to a different project where I wouldn’t see Lisa every day. Moving was annoying and I do wonder if it affected my chances of promotion. I’d never date a work colleague now.”
Instead of shying away from office romances, Quilliam believes we should accept that they happen, but work to minimise difficulties if the relationship doesn’t work out. ‘You should make clear boundaries between work and romance,” she says. ‘Don’t touch one another at work, then it will be easier to maintain your distance in the case of a split.”
This was no problem for Bradley, who was careful to maintain a professional distance from her partner at work. What was tricky was finding a shoulder to cry on. ‘One of my colleagues is a very close friend and it was tempting to offload on to her. But I didn’t think that was fair to Dave or anyone else in the office. I struggled through each day, trying to remain composed and sounded off to my flatmate when I got home.”
Quilliam believes she made a wise choice. ‘If you do break up, avoid confiding in work colleagues if you possibly can. It’s very difficult for someone to take you seriously once they’ve seen you with mascara streaming down your face or sobbing into your lunchtime beer. If you have a sympathetic boss, you could come clean about the break-up and ask if there is any way to put some distance between the two of you.”
Most importantly, don’t lose sight of your professional reputation. As Quilliam puts it: ‘Ask yourself how you want to be remembered in three years’ time: for your romantic liaisons or for the quality of your work? This should help you get things into perspective.” —