Those who don’t understand why the United Democratic Movement had to impose a R250 000 penalty on any elected official defecting from the party have probably never phoned its leader, Bantu Holomisa.
This week the general was obviously irritated as his members engaged in petty fighting. He answered a call from a Dorsbult regular, but did not bother to establish who was on the other end of the line before saying: ”I am busy in a meeting, chief. I don’t know why you complain to me about those little fights. Diko [secretary general Malizole Diko] deals with those administrative issues, okay?”
He then put down the phone. To borrow a phrase from the business sector, General, a member is always right.
Resourceful
The manne were pleased to hear that — contrary to public perception — there is nothing to worry about in terms of the environment. Jozi Mayor Amos Masondo, in his State of the Environment Report, confirmed that the manne will never run out of water to make into ice for our Klippies and Cokes: ”Programme director, briefly put, we are aware that our environmental resources are not finite, hence the need to use them in a sustainable manner.”
Merci, monsieur
The 60th anniversary of the D-Day landings was celebrated with lots of pomp and ceremony last weekend. One little story that caught Lemmer’s eye proved that the French are still grateful to their erstwhile Allies.
According to The Guardian, Keith Coleman (86), a former Royal Air Force gunner from New Zealand, hopped on the wrong bus after the main international D-Day ceremony in Arromanches and ended up stranded at a remote military airfield.
Coleman, who was travelling alone, entered the terminal and told his story to an important-looking official. The next thing he knew he was rushed to another airfield where two Gulfstream jets were parked. He was given a glass of what he said was ”the best red wine I’ve ever tasted” before a vast cavalcade pulled up and French President Jacques Chirac stepped out.
”He came over … I snapped to attention and gave him a little salute … he put his arm round me. He said he would be happy for me to travel in one of the aeroplanes and gave instructions that I was to be driven to the door of my hotel in Paris,” said Coleman.
Fanning the flames
Like us poor victims at the Dorsbult, TV watchers nationwide have been wincing and groaning over the five ”SA fan songs” shortlisted by Supersport to replace the perfectly serviceable Shosholoza as South Africa’s crowd anthem.
The idea of tens of thousands of bull-throated fanatics, well-oiled on Klippies, bellowing ”Hee wee go Seth Efrik-errr” as the Boks stumble to yet another humiliating defeat is too horrible to contemplate. (Is the composer, one Douglas Bean, any relation to British television hero Mr Bean?)
Oom Krisjan has an alternative, admittedly inspired by the late, great Spike Milligan, which he hopes is not too late to enter the competition. To the tune of the Anglican hymn We Plough the Fields and Scatter, it goes: ”South Africa, South Africa / We love you from the heart / The liver and the kidneys / And every other part.”
To baldly go
Last week Oom Krisjan mentioned Bushbaby’s troubles with pronouncing Abu Ghraib, the notorious Baghdad prison. One of his efforts was ”Abu Garah” — which, Lemmer is informed, means ”the one with no hair”. This is not an unlikely result of treatment at the hands of the United States military, of course.
Map attack
Geographical haziness is not the sole preserve of the US prez, though. Business Day‘s resources editor John Fraser had a big story in the edition of May 28 about Anglogold’s Siguiri mine — but he described the venture as being in Equatorial Guinea when it is actually in Guinea. Oom Krisjan can’t wait to tell him about Guinea Bissau.
Sailing away
The wall of Perfect Pizzas in Ruimsig (western Jozi, for the benefit of those in piesangland and the visdorpie) features an apparent shrine to a great man that many hacks will cherish.
A tastefully painted mural shows an idyllic lake at sunset, with mountains in the distance and a typically Italian villa. On the quiet waters float two boats side by side, one named ”Ken” and the other ”Owen”. What can this mean? Is it intended as a monument to the Last of the Great Right Editors, famed for his intrepid yacht journeys to the ends of the Earth?
Varsity games
There seems to be at least one at every university: the professor who trades good grades for sex.
Admittedly Lemmer was never propositioned by one of these sad souls, but colleagues in the education sector assure him that the situation is quite prevalent. But the authorities have a problem: since most of his ”victims” are over the age of consent and have agreed to the trade, under what regulations can a lecherous lecturer be disciplined?
The Italians at the University of Camerino came up with an unusual solution. In a trial that has scandalised the academic community, Professor Ezio Capizzano (68) was charged with misusing public property — the sofa on which he carried out his romancing.
Opiate of the massesÂÂ
What’s worse than Brenda Fassie on crack?
Felicia on e.