/ 23 June 2004

There ain’t no rules …

A male friend of mine once pleasured a Turkish woman. It was a one night stand, and with his tongue nestled between her thighs, he was ready and willing to dig deep. We women call such a man an angel — ready to sacrifice himself for the common good: a marathon session of oral sex.

Initially her cries of pleasure felt like a rider digging her heels into a horse’s flank, making his tongue gallop to the finish line. But then the crescendo grew from cries to shrieks, and ultimately to full-throated screaming. He thought, ”it’s a cultural thing” and then (inexplicably), ”she’s being murdered”.

Courageously, or perhaps desperately, or perhaps just because of plain male stubbornness, he continued with the task until with ear splitting howls she reached her climax, and then promptly fainted.

The moral of the tale: bring ear plugs or — more generically — you can’t predict a one night stand, but you can come prepared.

The popular literature on sex is clear on this one: it’s not a complex issue. Tracey Cox, in her book Hot Sex, proposes some rules for the one night stand. Be honest with each other, says Cox, and ”establish upfront that you want uncomplicated sex”.

Do it for the right reason — pleasure. Compliment each other. Don’t sleep with friends of friends, unless you’re prepared to open yourself up to nasty rumours. And pick your partners carefully: you should like them, and they should make you feel good about yourself.

By Jove, that’s civilised behaviour! Almost like taking your elderly aunt out for a lovely Sunday tea, complete with tiny pots of honey and fluffy scones. Except that when it comes to sex, and a bit of honey on the side, it’s more likely to drip down your chin than stay neatly packaged in its container. Sex has the capacity to change its shape almost as quickly as the instrument that started the whole problem in the first place.

The one night stand is the true wild west of human experience: unpredictable, dangerous and closed off to red tape. It might be agreeable if he shouts out your name, and not his ex-lover’s, at the moment of climax, but it’s not mandatory, nor even to be expected.

The one night stand, and its image of clothes hastily pushed up or down to get to the important bits, takes place in a space where rules do not exist. That is its attraction. Or its reason to be feared.

When you have a long-term partner the rules of arousal are simple. It’s the sleek line of her back as you slip the shirt over her head or the simple imperative, ”lie still”. Sexual encounters follow a steady pattern, which is why it has been said that desire and long-term intimacy are not always happy bedfellows. But with the one night stand, you don’t know whether to thrust your hips out or keep your toes pointed. The topography of his desire (or hers) is an unknown country, and so we populate it with rules — of the most sensible and well-meaning kind.

But if you wish to move into this territory understand that it’s uncharted, and that no prissy little rules will get you from A to B safely. It’s the most dangerous of games. The most nihilistic of pleasures.

In relationships we become familiar with concepts like equality, sharing and compromise. The one night stand does not seek balance nor reward moderation. But with the brief sexual encounter there’s a good chance that one half will crave more: another encounter, greater emotional depth or a better sexual experience. Nor is it possible to negotiate this upfront. At least when I try a new flavour of ice-cream, I know (with some degree of certainty) that the shop will be open next time I want another lick of the cone.

You could argue that very few relationships are predictable and that emotional consistency — though desirable — is not the norm. And you would have a point. But it seems that within the mutual meeting of desire, we embrace the less knowable side of our personalities, particularly when it happens with a stranger.

If we emerge unscathed, we become invincible, at least temporarily. We touch the essence of the life force as we simultaneously touch the dark side. And the spark can be electrifying, or it can burn like hell. Let the rules beware. They aren’t wanted here.