Technology blues

This hasn’t been a good year for technology. Well, not for me, anyway. And that doesn’t augur well — we still have 50 weeks to go.

In the short space between tunelessly singing Auld Lang Syne and today, I’ve failed miserably to reformat and rebuild my sister’s computer, I can’t get the aerial on our portable television to pick up SABC3, my wife has massacred the ”flow control unit” on our wet-and-dry vacuum cleaner — although, in fairness, she would probably blame me for that since I was the one wrestling with it at the time — and my car radio refuses to tune to medium wave.

In fact — and I really, honestly, am not lying about this — since I sat down to write this column, my laptop has hung and my ADSL connection keeps coming and going. But the biggest catastrophe of the year has been my hard drive being whacked, becoming a rather expensive, 80GB paperweight.

I mention it in a chat room that I go to occasionally. I’m a regular. The others greet me as I enter, raising their glasses with one hand and typing ”wb” (welcome back — the online equivalent of a ”Norm” cheer) with the other.

We all go by nicknames. That’s DoGoodUSA over there. He’s always quick with his advice. And no matter how bad your tech problems are, he’ll have had them worse. That show-offy oke holding forth in the corner, he’s Gadgetguy. He always has the newest things and they never seem to go wrong. We’re not so sure about him.

Cyberbabe is the most popular person in the chat room, usually holding about five or six simultaneous private conversations. As soon as she enters, there’s a scramble for the ”Private MSG” button. She tells us she’s tall and blonde. We’re okay with that, but I think she’s actually a truck driver from Colorado. There’s something about her smile …

ProudGeek is over there, nibbling pretzels and getting a hot flush whenever the conversation gets a little risqué. Sometimes Cyberbabe pecks him on the check to make his palms sweaty. He’s not the most comfortable social interactor, but we like him. He always buys us drinks.

Other chatters logged on in the room are Amazonboy, Jokerguy, GarthVader (cool name) and Upforit (he’s probably in the wrong place).

So anyway, I mention my hard drive woes to the gang.

>Gadgetguy: You shouldn’t have bought a Seagate — I told you not to

>Me: Yeah I know

>DoGoodUSA: GG is right. But Fujitsu is almost as bad. I had a mother of a drive from them that went belly-up over Melissa

>Jokerguy: I tried that. She blocked me

>Amazonboy: ROTFL Joker

>DoGoodUSA: Have you tried putting it in the fridge?

>Me: You talking to me or Joker?

>DoGoodUSA: You. Have you put it in the fridge?

>Me: Put what in the fridge?

>DoGoodUSA: Your drive. It lowers the temp of your HDD and sometimes it works

Cyberbabe shrugs at GarthVader

GarthVader blushes

>Me: Doesn’t it void the warranty?

>Jokerguy: Only if you put mayo with it

>Amazonboy: ROTFL Joker

>Upforit: I’m home alone. Anyone want steamy chat?

Upforit was kicked by DoGoodUSA ”Go away”

ProudGeek orders another round

>Cyberbabe: Did y’all see the new tsunami videos?

And so the conversation veers off, my hard disk troubles dwarfed by the catastrophe in south-east Asia. Quite right, too. To the casual observer that conversation must seem pretty aimless. Admittedly it proves little, except that Jokerguy and Amazonboy are in a perpetually mutually congratulatory mood and seldom take things seriously.

Don’t worry, it annoys all of us. But at least there’s a sense of community in the room. A kind of shared cyber-shoulder to cry on when things don’t go well. And no one disappoints — everyone lives up to their stereotypes.

If only technology were as reliable and predictable as that. But it’s not, which means I’ve got loads to write about in the weeks ahead. That, together with a whole bunch of reviews, some ponderings, a few test drives and the occasional off-the-wall foray into the nether regions of cyberspace.

Oh — I didn’t put the disk in the fridge. I thought that might be a bit too risky. And difficult to explain the bits of cheese stuck to it when I take it in for repairs. Which I’ve done. I’ll let you know just how effective the warranty is.

Tony Lankester spends his spare time as a writer and commentator on any subject that he thinks he can get away with. A former radio presenter, he’s particularly into technology, gadgets, the internet, the media, and advertising. But that doesn’t stop him posing as an expert on a range of subjects that covers food, single malt whisky, reality TV and travel. During the remaining hours, he has a respectable full-time job at a large financial services company.