January
President Zuma is inaugurated at the Union Buildings. He announces that the buildings will henceforth be called the Fikile Mbalula Buildings after the spirited campaign put up by the Youth League leader.
Later in the month Schabir Shaik is appointed the Minister of Finance (Deputy: Brett Kebble); Mo Shaik is Minister of Intelligence; Yunus Shaik becomes the Minister of Justice; Chippy Shaik becomes Minister of Defence; with Terror Lekota as his deputy. Dominic Ntsele becomes the head of the Government Communication and Information System.
February
In his three-hour long inaugural State of the Nation address, the President announces his Nkandla homestead will become a second seat of government and include a special wing for his wives.
March
Finance minister Shaik tables his first budget. The defence budget outstrips social spending by 463%.
April
Kingsgate Clothing, owned by Schabir’s father-in-law Sadek Vahed, wins the contract to provide uniforms to the defence force. Ntsele labels critical media reports a “counter-revolutionary figment of the imagination”.
May
The president introduces a national minimum wage of R4000 for workers to thank the Congress of South African Trade Unions for its support in his presidential campaign. Reports in the Mail & Guardian quote Zwelinzima Vavi as saying “we have been vindicated”. Business Day reports that Bobby Godsell is emigrating to Russia.
June
The president closes down the Scorpions and replaces it with a new crime-fighting unit called “the Pussycats”. Headed by ANC chief whip Mbulelo Goniwe, the unit will answer only to the ANC in Parliament and will be expressly barred from investigating any government employee above the rank of cleaner.
July
The president is overheard asking an aide: “Who’s that guy with the long dress and funny hat again?” at the ninth African heads of state meeting. Â Minutes later Nigerian President Olusegun Obasanjo comes into view.
August
On national Women’s Day, the president suggests in a speech at Nkandla that his countrymen marry as many wives as possible “to keep our women safe”. He takes a fifth wife. His approval ratings soar.
The president assumes leadership of the KwaZulu-Natal branch of “Virginity for Morality” and generously offers to test the first 50 young women himself — “It’s a tough job but I am prepared to do it to show the youth how committed I am to the values of abstinence and chastity”.
September
Finance minister Shaik introduces a Bill into Parliament recommending 20% increases for all office-bearers.
October
“Now this is a man I can do business with,” says French President Jacques Chirac as the president jets out after a state visit and an arms-buying spree.
Chirac throws in a handful of ageing Mirage III’s, promises never to bomb our air force, pledges massive offsets and a multimillion-rand skills development project based in Atlantis, training the unemployed in the fine art of making pain au chocolat.
November
Foreign Minister Nkosazana Dlamini-Zuma resigns after the president tells her to “leave it to Jacques” when she books the jet to head to the Côte d’Ivoire.
The president outlaws the use of double-barrelled surnames by ex-wives.
December
Former President Thabo Mbeki is ambassador to the African Union, based in Addis Ababa from where he still writes his weekly Internet column Letter from the ex-president. The new president is not a man of letters.