Like many of my Protestant-born ilk, I was dismayed at yet more accusations of grimy carnal goings-on among the Catholic clergy. Not that, for even one lapsed Anglican minute, I believe one word of the lurid sensationalist twaddle of how children have been abused sexually by certain of God’s chosen representatives on Earth.
Last week I read a story in this newspaper, about what seemed like furtive attempts by a Durban Catholic cardinal to shield his compassionate brethren from retribution for their alleged sexual indiscriminations. In the name of all that is holy, I felt compelled to investigate just a little further. I phoned up the Southern Union Chapter of Catholic Apologists (Succa), a fraternity dedicated to the re-establishment of all that is chaste and wholesome in the church.
Succa’s electronic answering machine offered an array of alternatives. “For pompous responses to allegations of generalised sexual assault by Catholic priests, press 1. For outraged responses to allegations of homosexual and/or heterosexual sexual assault by Catholic priests on children under the age of 15, press 2. For snide responses to allegations of sexual assault by Catholic priests carried on over periods of more than 10 years, press 3. For dismissive responses to allegations of sexual assault by Catholic priests on domestic animals, press 4. For sacred guidance to non-clergy wishing to indulge in sexual activity with teenagers, press 5,” … and so on. The many options offered by the machine were evidence of a very serious awareness by the Catholic Church of what, if not handled with sensitivity, could turn out to be as damaging as that interview when David Frost forced the Inquisition to expose itself on BBC television.
I pressed 1. After six minutes of the hit CD, Elton John Chants Gregorian, a light and friendly voice answered. “Good day and blessings upon you. My name is Brother Pendant Genatlia and may the benevolence of God Almighty absolve you for the iniquitous and presumptuous questions you are about to put to me.”
“Good day to you, Brother Genatlia,” I began. “Like many, I am disturbed by reports of the apparent indifference of the church to complaints about sexual delinquency among its clergy.”
There came to pass a heavy sigh on the line. “We get so many of these, you know. Only the other day I was chatting about this with our vocational minister, Father Bibulus Throat. Once a week he calls us together for the hallowed weekly ritual where we try to think up new and creative ways to divert the very high frequency of totally unfounded sexual abuse complaints lodged against blessed ministers of our holy brotherhood.
“If these complaints are totally without foundation, how do you account for their very high frequency?”
There now came to pass a low giggle. “Lay people tend to take these things far too seriously, that’s all. And, anyway, if a Father here and a Brother there falls off the celibacy wagon and toys with some trusting soul over a couple of decades, it’s all too easy to run off to the press 30 years later and throw stones.”
“Do you think the complainants should just write it all off to experience?” I ventured?
“What they should do is try to apply a little of the Christian charity and forgiveness we spend so much of our time explaining to them. The secular throngs have no idea of the sacrifices undertaken, quite willingly and with no thought of personal receipt, by the Catholic clergy. When we dedicate our lives to Christian teachings we put aside all manner of the day-to-day raptures of life outside the church. Apart from a covert sip of the sacramental wine, no drinking. Apart from the fleeting delights of the confessional, no idea of fleshly release. We, of the cloth, are a species deprived of traditional human contact.”
“Would that be why Cardinal Napier went rushing off to a firm of attorneys and offered psychological therapy to some woman alleging that, as a child about 35 years ago, she’d been raped by one your fellow clergymen.”
There came to pass a profound canonic sigh. “Have you any idea of the costs, both corporeal and hallowed, to the church? Have you any idea of the deep concern and grief that woman has caused? Her petty complaints have been bubbling away on the ecclesiastical back burner for decades. Praying for her soul, I’ve personally worn out more than three rosaries.”
“So you would disagree with those who say the Catholic Church is only paying lip service to a general reform among its sexually errant clergy?” I ventured.
“Absolutely. That is why, whenever one of these preposterous sexual abuse claims comes up, the church drags things out for as long as possible. Nothing can be gained by the sort of expeditious action of a Pontius Pilate. Anyway, on a regular basis, accused priests are called to higher service in heaven well before the church has got around to doing anything about their abandoned mundane behaviour. If that nice man, Mr Zuma, thinks he has a case of justice delayed, he hasn’t seen anything.”
After his encouraging chat I felt so infused with spirituality I had to check my back for sprouting wings.