Raised in an incredibly religious home, where God was given reverence every waking moment and Sunday activities were mapped around the length of the church service, it was not strange that at some point I distanced myself from God and his righteousness.
This was during my first year at university; I could sense that the God that had been entrenched in me over the years was slowly slipping away. I felt bound by what they call ”God’s expectations of you” and I started believing that communication with Him was only one way. He commands and I listen. No room for negotiation. The thought of questioning the Bible was unthinkable because the ”good book” held absolute truths.
So with all my struggles in tow, I stopped going to church because I admitted to myself that the only reason I filled my attendance slip every Sunday was to be able to sustain meaningful ”church service post-mortems” with my granny. Surprisingly my faith in Him did not shake, but the difference now was that I called upon Him when I needed urgent rescue.
For three years this new relationship did not bother me, even when student church crusaders prayed for my soul and urged me towards salvation rather than damnation.
As the years passed and my post-graduate schedule slowed me down, I started investing time in re- reading the Bible and other books that encouraged individual interpretation of the ”good book”.
One book in particular showed me, through the author’s experiences, that often spiritual neglect leads to a series of ”unintelligent” decisions and this I agreed with!
I started looking at God differently. He was the monster with uncontrollable rage that would destroy you (or banish you to the burning fires of hell) if you off‒ramped from the intended direction. I started seeing the God of my very own understanding. The kind of God that knows the unhappiness and pain that comes with misguided decisions and all He wants is to keep you clear from such mistakes. He is a guide, the kind of God that stresses that salvation is not easy, as any recovering addict will willingly confess. After all, there are many paths that lead to one road.
As I look back, I realise that I feared Him to the point that I pushed myself away from Him because we both couldn’t share the same space. I do not regret the time out because the distance allowed me the freedom (will) to see Him my way and to give up the fight so that I can feel Him present in my heart daily.