‘Appreciated’ saviours from the north

‘PROPHET ALI. FREE HEALING,” read the poster, in bold. I called the accompanying number to set up an appointment to see the prophet.

The prophet agreed to see me, but could only squeeze me into his schedule the following day.

I took a friend along as back-up. You can never be too cautious around Jo’burg, more especially in Hillbrow. We found the place with ease. To my surprise, the prophet turned out to be quite young. Hearing his deep, authoritative voice over the phone, I had assumed he would be in his late 30s or early 40s.

Prophet Ali is 26 years old. Clad in a flowing green robe with white crosses sewn on its back and arms, he welcomed us into his consulting room.

It was a bit dark inside; the faint source of light was a candle surrounded by transparent two-litre plastic bottles containing what I assumed was holy water. The prophet asked us to take our shoes off, and sit on a cloth that lay next to the table where the candle stood. ‘I am a healer and a prophet,” explained Ali. ‘Sometimes in life, you will find that things do not go your way. You are struggling to find a job, you have relationship problems, you are unhappy or you have been bewitched: a prophet can help you overcome those problems.”

The prophet explained that, before helping someone, he prayed to the Lord to help him identify what the root of that person’s problem is; and guide him towards the ideal remedy. After praying, the Lord would speak to him through a voice in his head and advise him on which course of action to take.

Although I would have killed to know, my gut feeling told me it would not be such a good idea to ask the prophet whether the Lord spoke in a bass, tenor or baritone voice. The prophet might end up refusing to take a peek at what I was hoping lay in store for me this year.

Coming from Bulawayo, Zimbabwe, Ali was deployed to South Africa by his church, Glory of God, to heal the sick and spread the word of God. A total of six prophets have been sent to this country by Glory of God, and they operate in Hillbrow, Berea and Yeoville. These areas seem to be fertile ground for Zimbabwean churches looking to save their brethren south of the Limpopo.

Ali told me that three other Zimbabwean churches have sent prophets on missions to South Africa — John Marange, John Masowe and Mugodi Apostolic. Because of the competition from the other churches, the Glory of God prophets decided to embark on an advertising campaign, in the form of posters, to attract more clients. They have covered all the major streets around their areas of operation.

So, did the prophet render his services free of charge, as claimed in the poster? ‘Yes, we do not charge for our services,” clarified Ali triumphantly. ‘Our church was formed in accordance with Isaiah 55, verse 10, which reads, ‘All those of you who are hungry must come and drink for free. You must not waste your money buying things that won’t help you.’

‘But,” the prophet expanded, ‘the Lord cannot help those who fail to show appreciation to the prophets he sent to help them.”

This gesture of appreciation and gratitude can be in any form, including money that, I suspect, was preferable. One also needs to be converted into a child of God, a euphemism for becoming a member of Glory of God, before the prophet will predict your future or heal you successfully.

That’s advertising for you. Whether the ad reads ‘Free!”, ‘Win!” or ‘Sale!”, you still have to part with some of your hard-earned money.

After all, someone has to make a profit, including prophets. Having to join the prophet’s church as a precondition, though, is straight-up religious discrimination.

Why can’t the prophet prophesise and heal on the strength of the powers bestowed on him, irrespective of which church you attend, or don’t attend? Could he not overlook that, and tell a brother if, in 2007, the grand plan at Orlando Pirates would finally come together with devastating effect, and that some girl called Claire Masiwa would fall hopelessly in love with me?

Well, the prophet could do his thing, but it was only through devotion to the Lord that I would find true salvation. I’ll pass. It’s only the aforementioned goddess’s devotion I was looking to earn.

I suppose Ali does find many willing converts, though. Life can be a very difficult project to administer, especially in Jo’burg.

When life asks questions that test our resolve and fortitude, we often turn to the mysterious and mystical for answers. That way, we do not have the difficult task of looking at the man in the mirror and telling him to change some of his ways.