/ 12 February 2014

Waterkloof Four given warning for being too ignorant

The Waterkloof Four have been released on parole after serving half their sentence.
The Waterkloof Four have been released on parole after serving half their sentence.

Just hours after the parole release of the so called Waterkloof Four, South African Society has issued a warning to the four lads and their over-eager supporters to calm down and exercise a little humility.

Crowds gathered outside a correctional services facility in Pretoria and the sound of outcry, if any, was muted by supporters and friends who were more keen on cheering on the celebrity of the four. A media statement released by Society stated that it understands that in a culturally diverse country such as South Africa, not everyone has the ability to think independently when it comes to feeling accountable. And, in some instances, (like these) certain people and cultures may deem it okay to create a bit of a song and dance routine around what may otherwise be considered disgusting actions – while other inhabitants probably find it fitting that a little bit less of a dope show is necessary. 

All this was taken into consideration, read the press release, and it was decided that even though different morals, values and principles may apply to different human beings, it is still essential that in the name of not being seen as absolute douche bags, the ideals of integration, and just being sort of normal, one does not walk out of prison wearing the haberdashery version of Victoria Beckham's sunglasses, while your ilk welcomes you with posters emblazoned with a picture from the Hangover. Why? Because killing a homeless man and serving prison time for it is not the same as starring in some movie. The statement also pointed out: "It's not funny and using some Hollywood fiction to illustrate a poster for a parole release is stupid. And FYI, people look stupid carrying it."

Even though they might not have any actual remorse for killing a homeless man, Society found that it's probably necessary for the four to at least fake it and publicly exercise a little bit of it in the hope that South African citizens' faith in these types be restored.

The presser also stated that Society seriously considered how much attention should be paid to the upper body in light of prison exercise regimen. But after much debate it was quickly decided this would be dealt with at a later stage, probably on a less fashionable day, when one of the four walk around in khakis so the size of their calves could be taken into consideration and measured proportionally against their man-breasts. 

The statement further noted that Society was aware of the Twitter-using public who were angered by the fact that these privileged four only had to serve a six-year term before being released. Many others have also come to the defence of the offenders and pity the fact that these boytjies lost their youth. And then there's the exclusive portion of a morally impaired few who are praying that these blokes can just get on with their lives, and that all be forgotten and forgiven (this is this same few who often struggle with this "forgive and forget" mentality, who never really have the intellectual capacity to understand that the practice by its very nature is flawed without a little dose of introspection and a large dose of acknowledgment first. This renders it all pretty hopeless. Luckily though, they are a very tiny portion, comparable to a mosquito bite on the anatomy of a nation).

Society said it would like to clarify a couple of things with regards to the above issue. It continued it "felt very little about the whole debate of parole. It is what it is and it is in accordance with legislation that allows for parole consideration after offenders serve 50% of their jail term". What Society does feel strongly about is the fact that it is unacceptable that a group of offenders spent their six-year jail term ultimately planning a show of ignorance so shameful and embarrassing, that the majority of people who did engage with it cringed in gagworthy proportions at the mere sight of it. Society felt that this was an intolerable and unfair abuse of ignorance unfolding in the public eye, and that bigger efforts were needed to be made to tone it down.

The press release also cautioned that should this initial warning by Society to the Waterkloof Four not be heeded – personally and by fellow supporters – the rest of the public as well as the aforementioned impaired few, could look forward to a long line of successors with a strain of disease known as "human fail". This is a mutant disease with little hope of being weeded out if ignorance is allowed to and continues to breed. Society recommended that in between shopping for T-shirts that don't quite fit and practicing a walk that makes them look like they've just dropped a hot one in their pants – which is probably a very cool way to look – these four take some time to mend their ways and their demeanours through some traditional treatments.

"Self castigation, followed by redeeming actions are always a good way to go," noted the press release. Alternatively, if this proved too hard a task, Society recommended the four live quietly on the fringe of things, where they would perhaps continue to fall victim to their own atrocious obtuseness, but to which others would never be subjected.