For My sake, please quit the Happy videos

The Big Guy Upstairs

First, I must apologise for my poor timing. I had planned to address you before that whole apartheid thing happened, but between the Post Office and Über my ministry is suffering. What would I do without my Jehovah’s Witness foot soldiers (I hate to break it to you, but they are the chosen people).

Yes, Über has arrived in heaven. Not a smart move because people here in the afterlife don’t really care that they drive drunk. Heck, they’ve made it here already.

I’m just saying Über would prosper where people value life a bit more – like Cape Town. Although, if you’re going to use a taxi service in the Mother City while on honeymoon, you may want to skip Mzoli’s and Gugulethu.

You see, I created Table Mountain to distract people from the fact that Capetonians suck. They knew Nelson Mandela was imprisoned just kilometres away and, in 27 years, no one tried to free him. They’ve learnt nothing from the book of Exodus.

You see, it’s these little tests that I try on those who fear me, and they never fail to disappoint me. Like artist Michael Elion: I sent him as a sacrificial lamb to test whether Capetonians had the balls to stand up to anything else but baboons, and they failed dismally. It was my modern-day parable of Abraham and his sorry excuse for a son. Admittedly, Michael didn’t follow the brief.

I clearly said: “Go and make a spectacle of yourself.”

In protest, all you could come up with is the Tokolos Stencil Collective? An artist pisses on your heritage in a public space, and you send a bunch of gang-bangers – playing Mister Maker like they’re in grade six art class – to defend your honour? At least Brett Murray had class.

Of course, now that Capetonians have voted Helen Zille back into power there is no more room for redemption. Expect a plague of locusts around harvest time. Who’s a p*** now Dookoom?

I wish South Africans were more like Americans. You kill one black child in the United States and the whole country takes to the streets. In South Africa you kill 34 black miners and there isn’t even a leisurely stroll in protest, not even a hunger strike.

Instead, we get another commission of inquiry that is trying to bore us to death. Now I’m not saying that the Farlam commission, or the Seriti commission for that matter, are barren wastelands for pseudo-social activism and a glorious waste of your time, but I wrote the Ten Commandments quicker than that. Let’s get on with it.

South Africa, you need to keep up with the rest of the world and start electing some new blood. How about a coloured in the Union Buildings for a change? That Chester Missing guy seems like a good fit for political office. He is a puppet after all.

If I’m honest I am quite fond of that Steve Hofmeyr chap, his lover Dan Roodt and the Volk. For the record I did not give these people any land in the 1800s. They’re just making that up. They could have saved themselves a lot of trouble with the Great Trek and just asked me to part the mountains and rivers. I did it for the Israelites with no fuss, but they insisted on going the long route. They worship me a lot for some reason, and sing all the time. It’s très awkward: the black people at Rhema are singing the same songs.

Hofmeyr and Roodt are like the Boko Haram and Isis of the platteland. They use my teachings for their own selfish purposes, but they’re not especially smart about it. If you sue a puppet, how do you expect me to take you seriously?

Those idiots in Boko Haram and Isis are killing in my name. If I wanted a caliphate, why in the world would I choose the Middle East? I forsook that land centuries ago. You’d think people would take the hint by now and stop asking me to choose a people.

Those moronic suicide bombers think that 40 000 virgins will welcome them into heaven. Well, I’ve got news for them: nowhere did I say those virgins would be women. Next time read the terms and conditions.

Well, I’m tired of being used by everyone, including the ANC. At no point in time did I ever indicate when my son Jesus would go back to Earth, so how would they know? The ANC used me during the elections, and it’s not cool. I have no idea who Ray McCauley is.

Now they’re praying for a miracle to bail them out of their cash crisis. Even though I can turn Post-Its into money, I won’t. You understand, I need to remain neutral; that doesn’t mean I don’t exist. I’m here for everyone, I promise, I’m just … observing.

I saw who started that brawl in Parliament. It was you, Baleka, don’t deny it. I am your father so you must recognise me. It was you who summoned the riot police, but you’ll never admit it.

After all the strings I pulled to get you that black economic empowerment deal, and this is how you pay back the money? Seek forgiveness, Baleka.

As punishment, I have granted Julius Malema and Floyd Shivambu eternal life, and an endless supply of red onesies to torment your organisation until the end of time (which is around the corner, mind you. Watch this space).

By the way, where is that president of yours? Even I can’t find him. He’s probably in the same place as that Malaysia Airlines plane.

As further punishment, Baleka, you will be forced to watch reruns of the Oscar Pistorius Trial Channel, while co-habiting with Shrien Dewani – in Gugulethu.

And everyone says I lack a sense of humour.

Speaking of funny, I just thought I’d let you all know before you see it trending on Twitter, that Iqbal Survé is the Antichrist. Yes, I can finally confirm your suspicions.

I’m kidding, Iqbal, stop floundering! But I bet you’d sell your own staff for a buck. Hey, I’m god. I can say that. You can’t sue god.

TB Joshua talks a lot about the Antichrist. He’s one of my biggest spin doctors, apart from Mogoeng Mogoeng, but sometimes TB can be totally wrong about the Antichrist.

He’s been telling people the Antichrist flies planes and drones, going around destroying his real estate. It’s hogwash, he’s delusional but then you already knew this. TB and I have not been that tight of late. He seems a bit distracted, and insists on trying to raise the dead, but I can’t allow that.

PS: No one blew up his compound, trust me on this one.

Now I can appreciate that we all want to be happier in life, but for the love of Me can we quit with the Happy videos? I swear I’ll strike down Pharrell Williams with great wrath the next time someone makes an annoying video. Pharrell was a runner-up for the Antichrist gong, mind you. But can you all just cut it out now? If you want happiness just worship me blindly and unconditionally and I’ll make everything seem just fine.

In any case, the festive season is a boom time for me and the Grim Reaper.

Not so much for Eskom executives for whom my counterpart Satan has reserved a special place in hell. Right next to that absentee landlord of yours.

Repent, pay back the money and all will be forgiven.

In the name of Me, Me and Me. Amen.

As told to Adrian Ephraim

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Adrian Ephraim
Adrian Ephraim is a journalist and editor who has worked in print, radio and digital over the past 20 years – for The Star newspaper, IOL, Mail & Guardian and Eyewitness News. He has covered sport since 2005, when he won the SAB Newcomer of the Year Award. His work has focused on human interest stories in news and sport, and the triumph of hard work and determination over adversity.

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