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Resolving New Year’s revolutions

 

 

The year of 2020 vision is upon us at last and, to celebrate, Gus Silber imagined asking a cross-section of famous South Africans for their views on what the future holds. Will their glasses be half-empty or half-full? Here are their answers

President Cyril Ramaphosa

“I resolve to resume my rudely interrupted fact-finding mission to Egypt, where I will study the pyramid schemes of the ancients before coming home to appoint a few more fair-skinned okes to the board of Eskom. Let them take all the blame for a change.”

Julius Malema

“I resolve to lift all restrictions and bannings on media organisations wishing to cover Economic Freedom Fighters conferences and events, so that I can tell journalists to their faces that they are counter-revolutionary mavericks and Enemies of the People, before I boot them out of the venue for being tjatjarag.”

Jacob Zuma

Paranoid ex-prez: Jacob Zuma flew to Cuba to be treated for poisoning. Who he thinks is trying to kill him is unknown but the list must be long. (Oupa Nkosi) 

“I resolve to keep a close watch on everything I eat, bearing in mind the importance of a healthy, balanced diet, and the high cost of flying to Cuba every time I get a little bout of food poisoning.”

Eskom

“We resolve to terminate all scheduled load-shedding as a means of regulating and controlling the national electricity supply, and will instead switch the lights off for good, which will go a long way towards alleviating the confusion on the neighbourhood WhatsApp groups.”

Helen Zille

“I resolve to tweet only about completely innocuous and inconsequential matters, such as rose-gardening, classical music, cricket and tea, none of which would have been possible without the benefits of colonialism.”

Public protector

“I resolve to uphold my constitutional duty, without fear of favour, to hold to account any person or party who dares to question the reports or belittle the office of the public protector.”

Cricket South Africa’s board

“We resolve to restore the dignity, pride, credibility, integrity and good public standing of cricket in South Africa by stepping down and handing over our bats and balls — as soon as we can find our balls.”

Minister of Twitter Fikile Mbalula

“I resolve, as Razzmatazz, Fear Fokol, and Mr Fix, to make a nickname for myself by devoting all my energies to trending on social media and working tirelessly to earn the likes of every South African citizen who I have not yet blocked.”

SAA

“We resolve to win back the support and trust of our valued customers, by introducing a luxurious new class on all our routes — Business Rescue Class. You’ll have more legroom than you’ve ever dreamed of, because you’ll be the only passenger on board, and you’ll be able to sit back and relax in total comfort and safety, at least until the accountants give us the go-ahead to fly again.”

Resurrectionist Pastor Alph Lukau

Manipulator: Pastor Alph Lukau, of the Alleluia Ministries International, alleged a miracle when he ‘resurrected’ Brighton Moyo. A few months later, Moyo died of pneumonia.

“I resolve, after successfully raising a man from the dead as part of my ministerial work, to apply my skills to the accomplishment of an even greater miracle, as I attempt to resurrect the fortunes of the Democratic Alliance in the Johannesburg metro.”

Minister of Domestic Affairs Gwede Mantashe

“I resolve to put to bed, once and for all, the hints, rumours, and allegations regarding my private affairs, and to demand my money back from the journalists I may or may not have paid to keep the story out of the papers.”

Minister of Something Patricia de Lille

“I resolve to make an appointment with the president to ask him, once and for all, what my job is supposed to be, because I am getting very tired of sitting in my office with a hard-hat on my head, awaiting further instructions. I’m beginning to miss my old job, where all I had to do was fight with Helen Zille all day long.”

Carl Niehaus

“I resolve to march into the future of our glorious democratic revolution with both left feet forward and to carry on practising the toyi-toyi in public, if only to prove that it is entirely possible to dance with one’s feet in one’s mouth.”

Cassper Nyovest

“I resolve, having already succeeded in #FillingUp The Dome, #FillingUp Orlando Stadium, #FillingUp FNB Stadium, #FillingUp Moses Mabhida Stadium, and #FillingUp Royal Bafokeng Stadium, to embark on my most costly and ambitious crowdfunding campaign yet: to #FillUp my Bee-Em, my Benz, my Rolls-Royce, and my 2X Bentley GT Coupes. Share the love, and help me to make my wildest hashtag dream come true!”

Black First Land First

“We resolve to send our membership soaring into triple figures by opening our ranks to all land thieves who are prepared to support our revolutionary policies and renounce their membership of the #ImStaying Facebook group. After all, we’re going to need all the votes we can get, next time round.”

John Steenhuisen

“I resolve to continue serving my party and my country with distinction, albeit not with distinctions, and to continue making a degree of difference to our democracy, albeit not the difference of a degree.”

The Guptas

“We resolve to warmly welcome any South African justice officials who would like to travel to Dubai to enjoy an all-expenses-paid holiday in the guise of an attempt to persuade us to come back home. Stay as long as you want. We’ve got plenty of power here!”

Ace Magashule

“I resolve to capture a little extra cash on the side by launching my own line of high-fashion sunglasses, Ace of Shades, for people who have nothing to hide but their eyes, and who want to look gangster even when the sun is shining.”

The Boks

“We resolve to stand tall and proud as Champions of the World, and to continue demonstrating that we are Stronger Together, if we can only persuade the EFF to think outside the Boks for a change.”

Zozi Tunzi, Miss Universe

“I resolve to do everything in my power to make the universe a better place for all, beginning right here on Earth, and to reassure my fellow South Africans that as long as there is light, there is hope. Please check your load-shedding schedules for further information.”

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Gus Silber
Gus Silber works from Johannesburg South Africa. I play with words, and sometimes work with them too, as a Journalist/Author/Scriptwriter/Speechwriter/TweetWriter. http://t.co/8I8DJw0XeW Gus Silber has over 126555 followers on Twitter.

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