Not the Mail & Guardian is Robert Kirby’s startling and savagely satirical parody of the Mail & Guardian newspaper. Any similarity between real people and characters portrayed here is anything but coincidental
A covert Russian space probe has captured an extraordinary battle between two Earth robotic vehicles on the surface of Mars.
The Semteski III, sent by the Russian republic to photograph Mars as part of a covert space race, has sent back high-resolution images of a previously unidentified United States space agency (Nasa) rover, and an equally unexpected European Space Agency (ESA) ground probe doing battle in the Valles Marineris.
The robotic explorers were photographed attacking each other, trying to snatch samples from each other’s baskets, hurling rocks at each other and trying to disable the opposition’s cameras.
Nasa has identified the rover as the Conquest, sent to Mars as a ‘spare” along with Spirit and Opportunity, which landed on the red planet in early 2004. Conquest is a larger and more complex vehicle than either of the rovers. Nasa has declined to comment on its scientific purpose.
The ESA at first denied successfully sending any explorers to the surface of Mars, but since the photographs clearly identify the vehicle as European, it has agreed that it might have sent ‘one or two”. It has confirmed that the vehicle engaged in the battle with Conquest is named Elodie.
‘We suspected covert robots were being sent to Mars to collect rare minerals, which is why we sent our own secret satellite,” Boris Korolev of the Russian Space Agency told reporters. ‘We believe that Mars should be protected from unscrupulous prospectors, and should be declared a Universal Heritage site.”
Monty Shields, a rover controller at Nasa’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, explained: ‘We got there first, and their stupid piece of Euro-tin was following us around, trying to nick our rocks. So we decided to give them the once-over, and we’ll do it again if they keep hassling us.”
Francois Vallois of the ESA said: ‘This is outrageous. Our probe was nowhere near theirs. They diverted it to attack us. Elodie has been damaged by the Conquest pelting it with magnetised meteorites. We intend to sue Nasa over this. Any further attacks on Mars will be defended here on Earth.”
Luke James, a spokesperson for the Let’s All Go To Mars Society, said: ‘We are shocked and ashamed. What will other galactic species think? We wish to colonise new planets in peace. This sort of behaviour does not enhance the image of Earth in the greater space community.”
Shields, however, was dismissive. ‘What greater space community? There isn’t one. This idiot is delusional. It’s about finding rocks, you know? Minerals. It’s about staking claims. We couldn’t give a shit what a few microbes out there think.”
Mining giants BHP Billiton and De Beers have denied contributing funds to the Conquest project. ‘There are no rare green diamonds on Mars, and Conquest isn’t picking any up,” Bruce Keating, an Australian spokesperson for BHP, said. ‘I wish to emphasise that we are totally unaware of this project.”
Meanwhile, scientists are in a stir over an image sent back by Conquest of what appears to be a diamond arrowhead found in the Ophir Chasma.
‘It’s a geological fluke,” Professor Ivor Cortez of Caltech told the media. ‘It has to be. It can’t possibly be anything else. Unless, of course, it’s an American hoax.” —